One year ago, how the time goes.

I began my year free

I say free, the world felt new. For the first time I was ready to pursue only me.

Impulsive. I jumped into things too quickly without truly thinking of the implications of my actions.

I moved in with my friend of 15 years.

We were ready.

Ready to pursue ourselves, to grow, to take on new goals.

Motivated.

Unexpectedly

I met someone, someone who shared the same motivation.

An explorer. A dreamer.

Again impulsive. I trusted too easily too quickly.

I let him in to my life, showed him all of my favorite habits.

I was working and reaching for something for myself.

For the first time I looked towards myself and I got caught up.

Caught up in a man who couldn’t love himself.

Quickly he attached. I wasn’t ready.

Time, I just needed time to build this person I was reaching to be. Not ready to settle down and invest myself into someone.

Active citizenship. I found a love for service. To give, to experience, to embrace.

New Orleans, you changed my perspective.

The government failed you, suffering from Environmental Injustice.

I cleaned up streets, yet to be touched from the devastation once known as Katrina.

I craved to do more, I put my heart and soul into something that felt would give me what I was looking for.

He moved in close, wanted more and I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready.

I had no idea, clueless.

I was clueless to the fact that this man I had only just met was suffering.

Hurting, lost, confused.

Kind, caring, and patient was what I saw when I looked at him.

I believed he would understand the time I needed.

April 30th

A day spent writing about Environmental Injustice of Katrina.

I tore through the pages explaining what I thought.

He sat patiently, embracing our presence.

This was the last day.

Last day I would see his smile.

He lied.

He said he would be back.

I received a call that day.

He told me “I’m sorry, I’ve felt this way for an entire year. It’s not your fault. You have a lot going for you. You will be okay.”

Silence.

My explorer, the dreamer. Took his own life.

Left me.

How could I have shared experiences with someone?

Someone I knew nothing about..?

All the pain, he just hid.

Covered it up

Spontaneous adventures we embarked on.

Death. Forever.

I can’t seem to grasp, to understand…

Life.

Time.

I waited, time to search deeply and fight.

Find the bit of strength I had.

I had to keep moving.

I learned that even the worst tragedies that felt possible.

The ones that you feel your world flip upside down.  

Time doesn’t stop, or slow down.

The world keeps going forward.

I had to move forward.

Distractions. Work, work, work.

I had to invest my energy into something tangible.

Environment, nature, activism, recycling, conservation efforts

I felt something

Beauty, there is beauty in this world.

Despite the pain it brings us….

This world is beautiful and we must fight. Fight for her.

Give a voice to what can’t be heard.

Plant trees.

Compassion.

I found my strength in my passion.

I am alive, this world is alive.

I have to do what I can, even the littlest actions.

Make a difference.

And do all that I can with love.

Appreciate a moment because you never know…

Never know the last moment.

I now have the deepest appreciation for this life, this world, and those in it.

Beauty is everywhere, it’s your choice

Choose how you want this life.

Make an impact.