a letter written over a year

to you,

 

there’s so much i haven’t said.

i’m sorry.

it seems that the miscommunication

between us is enough to reach to

the bottoms of oceans and to

the tops of skies

and then some.

 

you made me realize i was bi

(i don’t know if i ever told you.)

 

i remember it being june,

and that it was just starting to get hot, and

i remember smiling so wide it hurt

because of the words

“would you like to go on a date

with me sometime?”

 

i said yes.

 

i remember you asked me if you

could had to wear a dress.

i thought it was funny and i laughed

because we were only getting coffee.

 

maybe it wasn’t that funny.

 

at the time, i thought it was sweet,

a glimpse the naivety you wore

behind a mask of stoicism.

i always thought i could make you

leave the mask behind,

and that i could make you happier

and that you could teach me so much

and i could teach you so much

and i wanted to teach and learn about

everything with you.

 

but maybe it was just a hint

that we didn’t know what the hell we were doing

did the universe try to warn

me and i ignored it?

it seems unlike me.

 

but i guess i don’t really know

who “me” is anymore, anyways.

 

i remember getting coffee and debating

whether i should buy you something or not.

but then you bought your own

and i didn’t have to worry.

(i wish you would have let me pay.)

 

i remember mentioning

that one day i wanted

to be in a power couple

and you said, “let’s try it”

i blushed and told all my friends about it

i remember asking you for coffee

again, because i wanted to try

something other than starbucks,

and i wanted to do it with you.

i remember you didn’t get anything.

 

why was that?

 

i remember we played with dogs, too.

and i was so, so fond of you.

i remember thinking that i would do

anything if you would let me sit

next to you

just a bit too close to be friends

forever.

 

i still wish you would have, sometimes.

 

i remember slow dancing with you outside

on a summer night to a song that was

too fast to be slow danced to.

 

i remember our friends were there and

you played it off as just us messing around,

but i wanted to touch your forehead to mine

until my entire world was nothing but the

calming color brown of your eyes.

 

i also remember that after that night

i wasn’t much to you for a while.

i remember staying up late thinking

of what I did wrong,

of talking to friends over coffee

about what I could have done.

 

(i made sure not to sit where we did.)

 

i remember asking you

“what happened to us?”

and telling you i missed you,

and you said nothing.

 

you held my hand at halloween  

because i was scared and

i thought maybe we were trying again.

 

we weren’t.

 

i watched a scary movie with

a girl who wasn’t you and i felt

myself staring at her instead of

the screen and i felt bad because

i thought maybe you wanted

what i used to and

i didn’t want to let you down.

 

(i knew how that felt

 and i didn’t want you to.)

 

i think she may have wanted me to kiss her

and i didn’t because i thought i was

saving that for you.

 

i should have kissed her.

 

i was okay, and then christmas

rolled around and you

flirted with me at a party.

 

new years came and i almost kissed you

at midnight and i didn’t.

 

valentine’s came and i hoped you

would get me something.

i was sick and had fever dreams

that you came and gave me flowers

and you tried to kiss me

and i told you not to, i didn’t want you

getting sick.

you did anyways and

that was where the dream ended.

 

it didn’t happen.

 

why do you only love me on holidays?

 

why do you love me just halfway?

 

i’ve tried to be mad at you

i’ve tried to cry over you

i’ve tried to not care about you

and god, have i tried loving you.

but nothing works and it’s because

you’re different.

 

it’s because i’m not sure

you really knew what you were doing.

i think you felt bad

that i felt these feelings

and i think you were overwhelmed and

tried your best to feel the same

and then regretted it.

or maybe i’m to blame, and i should

have been more explicit and i should have

told you that i would have gotten you

stars in a mason jar,

just because i know you love them.

 

but either way, here we are.

 

i have no clue what i feel for you

i don’t know what you feel for me.

 

i know that i think i don’t love you.

 

i know that i think that i’m

over you.

 

(notice the juxtaposition.)

but i also know that

sometimes I dream in

natural colors like i used to,

instead of in purples

and yellows.

 

sometimes i dream

of cats sleeping by windows

instead of aliens from faraway planets.

 

sometimes my world is brown like chocolate

instead of hazel like the forest after a rain.

 

i dream of slow dancing

on summer nights.

of coffee, of dogs,

of sitting just a bit too close to be friends.

 

not always, but sometimes.

 

i don’t know a lot,

but i know i loved you,

i really did.

 

i know that i thought you were beautiful

and that i thought you were funny,

and the most intelligent girl

i had ever met in my life.

 

i wanted to give you the

world so, so badly.

 

but i trust you’ll find someone

to do that for you who isn’t me.

 

i sincerely hope you do.

 

maybe one day i’ll gain

confidence and tell you this,

or maybe this letter will find you.

 

(i think that Fate will

 help it get its way to you

if it she wants it to).

 

but for now:

 

i wish you well.

 

most sincerely,

                a good friend.

 

postscript.

it’s been a few months since i wrote this

i forgot what loving you ever felt like/

 

i have a boyfriend now,

he treats me like a queen, and i can only hope

that i make him feel half the way he does.

 

we went for coffee the other day, me and you

we sat diagonal from the seat we sat in last june.

 

your foot brushed against mine,

and my face didn’t blush

my hands didn’t shake.

 

i didn’t try to grab your hand

across the table.

 

i didn’t want to.

 

i’m happy now with you

i’m happy now with us

i’m happy now with the way things are.

 

i love you, i do.

not in the way i used to.

like a sister

like a friend

like someone who changed my life.

 

thank you.

This poem is about: 
Me

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