there’s so much i haven’t said.
it seems that the miscommunication
between us is enough to reach to
the bottoms of oceans and to
the tops of skies
and then some.
you made me realize i was bi
(i don’t know if i ever told you.)
i remember it being june,
and that it was just starting to get hot, and
i remember smiling so wide it hurt
because of the words
“would you like to go on a date
with me sometime?”
i said yes.
i remember you asked me if you
could had to wear a dress.
i thought it was funny and i laughed
because we were only getting coffee.
maybe it wasn’t that funny.
at the time, i thought it was sweet,
a glimpse the naivety you wore
behind a mask of stoicism.
i always thought i could make you
leave the mask behind,
and that i could make you happier
and that you could teach me so much
and i could teach you so much
and i wanted to teach and learn about
everything with you.
but maybe it was just a hint
that we didn’t know what the hell we were doing
did the universe try to warn
me and i ignored it?
it seems unlike me.
but i guess i don’t really know
who “me” is anymore, anyways.
i remember getting coffee and debating
whether i should buy you something or not.
but then you bought your own
and i didn’t have to worry.
(i wish you would have let me pay.)
i remember mentioning
that one day i wanted
to be in a power couple
and you said, “let’s try it”
i blushed and told all my friends about it
i remember asking you for coffee
again, because i wanted to try
something other than starbucks,
and i wanted to do it with you.
i remember you didn’t get anything.
why was that?
i remember we played with dogs, too.
and i was so, so fond of you.
i remember thinking that i would do
anything if you would let me sit
next to you
just a bit too close to be friends
i still wish you would have, sometimes.
i remember slow dancing with you outside
on a summer night to a song that was
too fast to be slow danced to.
i remember our friends were there and
you played it off as just us messing around,
but i wanted to touch your forehead to mine
until my entire world was nothing but the
calming color brown of your eyes.
i also remember that after that night
i wasn’t much to you for a while.
i remember staying up late thinking
of what I did wrong,
of talking to friends over coffee
about what I could have done.
(i made sure not to sit where we did.)
i remember asking you
“what happened to us?”
and telling you i missed you,
and you said nothing.
you held my hand at halloween
because i was scared and
i thought maybe we were trying again.
i watched a scary movie with
a girl who wasn’t you and i felt
myself staring at her instead of
the screen and i felt bad because
i thought maybe you wanted
what i used to and
i didn’t want to let you down.
(i knew how that felt
and i didn’t want you to.)
i think she may have wanted me to kiss her
and i didn’t because i thought i was
saving that for you.
i should have kissed her.
i was okay, and then christmas
rolled around and you
flirted with me at a party.
new years came and i almost kissed you
at midnight and i didn’t.
valentine’s came and i hoped you
would get me something.
i was sick and had fever dreams
that you came and gave me flowers
and you tried to kiss me
and i told you not to, i didn’t want you
you did anyways and
that was where the dream ended.
it didn’t happen.
why do you only love me on holidays?
why do you love me just halfway?
i’ve tried to be mad at you
i’ve tried to cry over you
i’ve tried to not care about you
and god, have i tried loving you.
but nothing works and it’s because
it’s because i’m not sure
you really knew what you were doing.
i think you felt bad
that i felt these feelings
and i think you were overwhelmed and
tried your best to feel the same
and then regretted it.
or maybe i’m to blame, and i should
have been more explicit and i should have
told you that i would have gotten you
stars in a mason jar,
just because i know you love them.
but either way, here we are.
i have no clue what i feel for you
i don’t know what you feel for me.
i know that i think i don’t love you.
i know that i think that i’m
(notice the juxtaposition.)
but i also know that
sometimes I dream in
natural colors like i used to,
instead of in purples
sometimes i dream
of cats sleeping by windows
instead of aliens from faraway planets.
sometimes my world is brown like chocolate
instead of hazel like the forest after a rain.
i dream of slow dancing
on summer nights.
of coffee, of dogs,
of sitting just a bit too close to be friends.
not always, but sometimes.
i don’t know a lot,
but i know i loved you,
i really did.
i know that i thought you were beautiful
and that i thought you were funny,
and the most intelligent girl
i had ever met in my life.
i wanted to give you the
world so, so badly.
but i trust you’ll find someone
to do that for you who isn’t me.
i sincerely hope you do.
maybe one day i’ll gain
confidence and tell you this,
or maybe this letter will find you.
(i think that Fate will
help it get its way to you
if it she wants it to).
but for now:
i wish you well.
a good friend.
it’s been a few months since i wrote this
i forgot what loving you ever felt like/
i have a boyfriend now,
he treats me like a queen, and i can only hope
that i make him feel half the way he does.
we went for coffee the other day, me and you
we sat diagonal from the seat we sat in last june.
your foot brushed against mine,
and my face didn’t blush
my hands didn’t shake.
i didn’t try to grab your hand
across the table.
i didn’t want to.
i’m happy now with you
i’m happy now with us
i’m happy now with the way things are.
i love you, i do.
not in the way i used to.
like a sister
like a friend
like someone who changed my life.