When I was 14 the voices wouldn’t stop
Just a constant buzz
White noise that’s soul purpose was to remind me of my purpose
And when your purpose was as bleak as mine you would pay a million bucks to make it shut up.
"You’re pathetic." I know.
"You’re disgusting." I know.
"You’re worthless." I know
By the end of my freshman year I finally stood up to myself.
If I couldn’t stop the voices inside my head I could at least stop the ones reinsuring them from the outside.
They came from a coward.
Because he cant find the words to better his argument he finds the strength to bully and put me down.
Finally 7 months into my 17th year on this planet I get a letter,
Hes finally sorry for less the a year after I blew off hours of school to take care of him while being put down only to catch him cheating on my mom.
Hes finally sorry for making me walk home, because only winners ride in cars.
Hes finally sorry for holding me down in the pool till I stopped struggling,
My dad may be right, I learned my lesson.
Finally a day where I’m not a trophy to brag about on the shelf
Or a pet to kick.
Finally I’m another human, an equal to him.
I realized I was a person worthy of anything I desired at 14, without him.
Because this letter never came,
No apology for the girl who hid bruises and sadness behind a paid for smile.
No apology for the girl with worthless carved into her neglected body
No apology for the girl who at 16 picked up the pieces of her shattered soul
And told the boy she gave everything to at 15
That she isn’t the same girl
And she wont give everything she has just to feel loved ever again.
The journey to loving myself was hard, but worth it.
Many of you sat and watched my struggles
I like to think you were waiting for me to reach out for help
but when youre words are muffled by someone else's thoughts
youre tounge gets cut on rageed teeth
and the only thing you cant do is reah out for