I don’t know why I alone continue to sulk,

basking in my glory, but hating it all.

I don’t know why I chose to stay in the car,

crying to soft music when the fun wasn’t far.

I wonder about my shape, why I always sabotage myself,

but when I lose confidence, I can’t seek help.

Ashamed of being unable to uplift friends,

when I’ve always been the happy one, it should’ve never ended.

Associating fat with depression is my immediate reaction,

why can’t I simply cut my body to a fraction.

Sitting, screaming my heart out into existence,

only escalating my sadness, nothing new, consistence.

Day one, day two, day three, four,

one month later it came bursting out my core.

My disgust, but sick and tired of the way I had been feeling,

loathing my appearance, but Brady, it’s your brilliance.

That makes you you, and others them, continue your resilience.

No one else stares at your stomach like you in the mirror,

just witness the uniqueness, like radiance when they see her.

And your friends keep that honest, humble girl  around,

never once exhausted of complaints while you push yourself down.

Down a perpetual hole of agony, revoltingly rude to yourself,

have one body, treat it well, nourish the mind not through hell.

Fat is not punishment, but the parts that become muscle,

the parts that keep you warm when leaves start to rustle.

Fat is a little delight from the sweet treats eaten,

what’s the issue with having some, either way you’ll be beaten.

By yourself, no one else, if lacking confidence this long,

Dragging on, just slice it off, that doesn’t sound too wrong.

I wish it did, why must it seem like the only plausible option,

when taking a heated knife to the skin will never be an option.

Keep your head up, you’re inspiring, people forever state,

but I wish I could live up to these descriptions again, that’s the old me, not this slate.

Make the old me the new me, 6 whole months down the drain,

fine, start a new confidence journey where the sky will never rain.

Brighten the sun in your brain even at midnight,

when the deepest emotions hit solitary in bed,  grab a towel to bite.

Not this time will tears flood from my eyes, yelling out excruciatingly blue,

not one reason to hate myself, when the one person you hate is nothing like you.

Don’t even hate him for his appearance, only great manipulation,

proving further you must love yourself, complete opposite from previous relation.

Mustered through mud and quick sand during 3 years of life,

I am an advocate, I am inspiriting, I am everything through strife.

I love my appearance, securely attached to a heartening woman,

because regardless of what I look like, I continue to wake up beautiful inside, every morning.