the thoughts at night of me committing a murder
the word of the crime alone makes me shudder
i hoped that God understood my plan
on the other hand
i will never understand why God led me into the arms of such a destructive man
sometimes i thought how my life would be if i had kept you . . .
alone , crying in the pillow til my face turned blue
in my mind i like to think that i sent you back
maybe God gave you to a couple that had the sense that i lacked
it's not that i didn't want you
it's just that mommy and daddy were not capable of keeping you
our drama became my karma
at the age i was at , i couldn't be your momma
i was stupid & young
not thinking of the consequences
too concentrated on having fun
please don't resent Mommy
maybe God saved you for me
hopefully i'll meet the right man & we can all become a family again
oh , my unplanned blessing
you taught me a hard & painful lesson
my heart broke in two when i realized i had to leave you
if i only i could take you back
cause God knows i would give anything for that
& when i look up at the sky
i always eventually start to cry
cause i know you're looking down , asking Mommy why ?
my little angel
there's no word to describe the guilt i feel for not letting you see a cradle
when i look in the mirror , i feel shameful
ashamed of the game i allowed myself to play
i allowed me & your father to act hateful
i try to look to God & be faithful
the gift that God gave me , i ask myself why was i ungrateful ?
your absence has left me feeling sinful & painful
trust me my precious gift
without you , i'm stuck in a drift
it's hard to identify with why we multiplied but then had to clarify & justify
our actions to whoever , whenever , whatever
we wished we all could be together
there's not a day that goes by that i don't get high , sit back & cry
there's not enough ligh in the world
i'm stuck in this evil underworld
my consciousness sucked me in , had me twirling & whirling & swirling
then spit me out back into the evil place without a sword or database
you're something i could never replace
thinking of you & how selfish i allowed myself to be
no singer could sing a song of this sorrow to fit me
if only i could kiss your lil face & hold your lil hand
you're the only reason i'm glad i had anything to do with that man
at least you're up with your Daddy . . .
i bet you would look more like him than me
thinking about what you would look like 3 months later
would you had to stay in the incubator ?
probably , with daddy giving mommy all that stress
the beatings would have made you mental at birth , i must confess
crying til my eyes stayed glued shut
thinking about how if you were here you would see mommy and daddy's uppercuts
but also thinking how we would all come together as one
to see anthony & serena's beautiful daughter or son
in a way , you didn't need to be born to us
you grow up to think me and your father see you as nothing but a fuss
another child brought into a broken home
alone , crying , numb to the bone
i bet you could smell my fear like i smelt your father's cologne
i would never want to bring another soul into what i experienced
yes , i was thinking about you , my baby
should i bring you into Hell on Earth , yes or no , i was hesitant
putting my hand on the steaming burner to see if the pain felt worse than missing you
i feel like you're still there tho
like the baby inside of the pouch of the mother kangaroo
lord please forgive me for all my sins
i hope you won't send me to the depths of hell
you gave me a gift and i wasn't ready for it
i'm sorry , how many tears can i shed before you release this pain & let me break out of this shell
no child wants to leave God's hands and come down to this Earth
maybe the Egyptians did those babies a favor by feeding them to alligators at birth
my back was against the wall
i took a big step which came along with an even bigger fall
it's hard to sit here and put my thoughts about you into words
i feel like an outcast , i don't belong with any of the categorized herds
tryna get a point across , but can't help but look at the scar that started out as a minor assault
looking outside , i see two little birds
they have a cute lil family , a mom , a dad , a sister & a new baby
if only they knew that soon the father will be run over or the mother will be shot
and the big sister will have to take care of the lil one
& have to worry about not getting caught up in the knots
but then i cough , it gets louder , i look at my hand , i coughed up a blood clot
it's mixed with snot , this happens a lot , maybe the birds should've lived & i shoulda been shot
my brains rattling , my emotions are shattering
so many words , if i could just spit them out of my head & onto my wall , all scattering
so i could rearrange them into the right form
the thunder & lightning never stops in this storm
tryna figure out what im tryna say , i haven't fulfilled my destiny yet so God lets me live another day
along with the guilt & the pain , i learned how to smile through the heavy rain
so to all the young girls who don't think they can
here
grab ahold of my extended hand
wipe them tears off you face & keep away from that dark place
everything will be OK , it'll work itself out
keep yourself together & never show any moments of doubt