A Letter to my Father: The things I wish I could tell you.

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What the hell happened to us? 

Where did the love a father has for his little girl go? 

You were supposed to be there to protect me, and love me. Make sure no wrong doings happened to me. I was supposed to always trust you.

Instead you taught me that I could only rely on myself. 

Only I can pick up the broken pieces of my heart and put them back together.

If I can’t even count on my own blood to be there for me, how the fuck can I trust anybody else?

So thank’s for the wake up call.

I learned at a young age

that the ones who are closest to me

are the ones to look out for.  

They’re the ones who can cause the most damage. 

You were supposed to be a role model of how a man should be.

You were supposed to be the prime example of how a man should treat a woman. 

Like a queen. With respect. Like your other half, your equal. 

Instead I watched as you broke the woman in my family. 

Into tears. In rage. Into fear. Into silence.

So thank you for showing me to never settle with a man who is like you.

Thank you for showing me that I deserve more than any man who would resemble you.

Thank you for showing me, that a man shouldn't hit a woman

disrespect a woman

threat a woman

scare a woman

silence a woman

break a woman

bring misery to a woman.

Thank you for being the prime example of what a man should not be.  

And with me, well…

Your fist  bruised my body, your hands yanked my hair, but your mouth…your mouth caused more damage than any black and blue marks that were visible on my skin.

I’d rather have a physical scar than the one you mentally left in my head.

I always got stronger after each hurtful encounter, but I somehow ended up adding it to my jar of sorrows. 

Changing the way I think, and shaping the way I perceive others.

Less trusting

More Impatient. 

Fuck them for wasting my time.

I guess I got that from you.

But I also just recently learned to be more forgiving.

That didn't come from you.

But from my own damn mistakes.  

Everyone is human.

We all make mistakes.

We’re all learning from them and growing from them.

Now I’m getting off topic.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is even though you caused me so much damage for the past five years, I’m not mad at you.

You helped shape me into the person I am today.

I could never really hate you. I always wish I could. But I can’t. Some part of me will always care.

That doesn't mean that I want you in my life though. 

In the past writing this would have hurt me, not wanting to let you go, thinking our problems are fixable, when in reality they’re not.

I wish I could say that the grudge I have against you is gone, but it's not and I don't know when it will be gone, so that I can have the closure I need to forgive you. 

I wish I could know when you will realize your violent, selfish, angry ways, but I feel like you never will. You'd cough out your own pride if it meant you'd have to swallow it. You are stubborn and don't like to admit that you're wrong. But I hope one day you do.

I hope you embark in a self finding journey, realize your own mistakes, accept them, and work on yourself. 

That's what we both need. To work on ourselves before we work on any family relationships we wish to have. 

It use to make me sad.

But it doesn't anymore. 

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