Letter To God

Dear God up in heaven,

is this your plan for me?

To always suffer and never succeed.

These questions in my head won't let me be.

Because it seems like no matter what I do,

failure is never new.

 

I'll study until my eyes bleed.

I'll give my best in every single deed.

But at the end of the day,

there are always shots in my heart and pangs in my head.

 

I'm struggling Lord,

can you hear me?

They tell me that if I believe in you,

then my dreams will always come true.

But here I am, screaming until my face is blue.

Down on my knees, praying for some kind of glue.

Something to hold me together until my life is through.

 

But you're not here.

You're not anywhere at all.

At least I don't think you are.

Are you hiding behind these walls?

 

Because I can't see you in the teacher who hates me.

Who ridicules me until my self- esteem is gone.

Who's bought into the rumors that my life is perfect

and has tasked herself with making them wrong.

I used to get straight A's,

but now I'm scared to death that if I do,

she'll sneer and say that I only got those grades because of who I knew.

And she'll purposely fail me even more in her class.

I can't risk that.

 

But here's the thing, Lord.

She doesn't have a clue.

She doesn't know what I have to deal with at night.

Because how could I concentrate 

when all my parents do is fight.

They fight over debt.

They fight over love.

The fight over nothing,

and they fight about you.

 

I know others have it worse.

Of course I do.

That's why my aim in life 

is to help them make it through.

Fix the inner cities.

Get clean water for Flint.

Lessen the debt

and all of the lives spent

on frivolous affairs overseas.

And like I've always said,

you can't fix the outside,

until the inside is as good as new.

How can I ever make it to all of these things,

if I'm barely making it through.

 

Am I paying for my sins Lord?

Is that why my parents can't pay for anything?

Is this what I have been cursed with?

To have ambitions bigger than mountains,

but  never have the oppurtunity to climb?

 

God, I don't know what to.

I've seached for solutions 

only to be led back to you.

Is this some point that you're trying to make?

Are you laughing at me as I break?

For my sake,

please let me know,

do you exist,

or is this all a show?

 

Because it's endless isn't it?

I'll work day and night,

trying to learn,

trying to make it.

But I can't compete with those

who have money coming out of their nose.

They'll have connections to back them up if they fail.

And what's normal to them, is a dream come true for me.

What's the phrase they always use?

"Too poor for an easy life, and too rich for an inspirational one."

That's what you've cursed me with.

 

I'm tired Jesus.

I'm straining to hear silent voices.

That's what I've been doing all year.

I've been looking to you for it all,

but I've seem to only embrace more fear.

 

I'm bitter and I'm cynical.

I've realized that this is all one big cycle.

So until you reply,

I'll be barely making it by.

Eventually I'll die.

Engrave the words "still waiting" on my epitaph.

That's the only thing that I will have left.

Love,

Y. Hoang

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community

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