kyle

Im kneeling on the titanium hard-wood floor

Hands clasped

Not praying - begging

Im begging for water

Torrential downpour

 

yesterday i drowned all day

today i am dried up

Cracked and cursing at the sun that cradles me

 

because

Though yesterday i drowned

Today i am thirsty

 

i drowned in strange poison

Until some strange cork

was forced into the part of brain

that spilled sorrow like children spill the question why

Today i am a child

asking

Why

Why

Why

Why why

Where my knees meet the ground feels like two points of contact

But that weight along with what other crushing weight is not enough to convince me

That this is reality

It cant be reality

Why

How

 

that bottle of rum in the corner by the suitcases

Doesnt look like anything

And it doesnt taste like anything

When it burns blue in my sour sandpaper throat

When it dissolves me slow and warm like

Your face dissolving my mind

 

Where are you?

I can see you eating milk and oreos on the carpet at preschool

I can feel your deep laugh rooted in your belly

I can feel you nervously scratch your head

 

Im laying on a heavy floor

Remembering how you walked up to me on the playground

I pretended like i didnt hear you

But you knew i heard you

 

I want to be there again

And i want to listen to you

I want to hear everything you were going to say.

 

Your laughter was infectious

It boomed and left everyone within a 300 foot radius weightless

 

Im being swallowed by my floor

While i scrape through my brain, scavenging every corner

For more memories with you

 

And the harder i search

The more they scatter away

Like butterflies that are just too sweet to be caught

By my bitter shaking hands

 

I want to set fire to the peace that settles my brain

 

This doesnt feel real and i dont want it to

I dont want it to

 

Because yesterday i drowned

Today i am dehydrated

And afraid of tomorrows sky

 

afraid of it being swollen with heavy clouds

of it being empty

afraid of any forecast in between

 

I dont want there to be weather

I dont want to feel my knees pressing into the floor

I dont want to think of your face anymore

And i dont want to ever forget it

 

But finally i stop listening for raindrops

And they appear

 

They melt down my cheeks

and crawl over the rigid, stubborn corners of my mouth

 

Because yesterday you were a beam of light

And today you are only a fog

that lingers in my mind

 

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