Just one of those nights

Sometimes I’m fine.

Sometimes I’m just a little tired. You know?

I know you get what I mean.

Sometimes the glow of the neon fluorescent lights, the eye-blinding LED’s are just a little too bright.

At the very most, I can only handle the reflection of the sun on the moon and the glow of my computer screen in the night.

Sometimes I accidentally stand up a little too fast.

My ankles will break and my knees will fall to the floor while my brain shuts out the whole world. 

All that remains is the ringing in my ears from the little girl in my head screaming “LET ME OUT”

I can’t.

You don’t exist, you’re not real.

You’re the idea of a girl, the perception from others of me as a girl.

Sometimes I’m just a little spacey.

I don’t blink for 4 minutes straight while my eyes get all dry.

I’m either thinking about you, how badly I want to be him, or how badly I don’t want to be me.

Sometimes I get a stomach ache.

It's not really a big deal.

It’s just the idea of the perfect daughter beating on my stomach, climbing up my ribs one by one, stomping on my heart, and clawing her way out of my throat.

She just wants to be free.

Sometimes I’m an introvert.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love people, especially my friends..

But occasionally I can’t have more comfort than the empty side of my bed, the one body under my blanket, my understuffed body pillow that I pretend is another person, the empty space between my arms, my hands clasping the fingers on my other hand, and the pictures on my wall of the one person who matters most to me.

Sometimes I’m a little bit of a morning person, sometimes I’m not.

I’m not a morning person sometimes because I love the morning.

I’m sometimes a morning person because sometimes nights are hard.

And on those nights, I can’t stop thinking, can’t blink, can’t stand, can’t open my eyes, can’t sleep, but I can’t stay awake.

I can’t look at anything because everything reminds me of how terrible of a person I am.

I don’t know why I listen to any of it.

You could tell me I’m the perfect human being, that I’m perfect in every way.

And I’ll believe it… for a day.

Sometimes I convince myself it’s all a lie and then all the good feelings that came from you validating me get washed down the drain.

Sometimes it sticks with me.

I hope it sticks with me.

I think this time it’s actually going to stick with me.

I hope I never have another night where I can’t stop thinking, I can’t blink, I can’t stand, I can’t open my eyes, I can’t sleep, but I can’t stay awake!

Sometimes I just want one good night!

Tell me good morning, I love you, goodnight!

Sometimes I just want one good night!

Sometimes I get what I want.


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