There are the times when so many tears have been shed

That I wonder if the wells will actually run dry.

There are hours when I long to hold your hand, count your pudgy little toes, or simply see those two dimples that light up an entire room.

In those instances, my thoughts go to happier times.

The soccer games, the softball tournaments, the track meets, or the endless marathons of SVU.

Oh what I would give to have one more hour, one more minute, or even one more second to hear you say my name.

There just aren't enough photos. There aren't enough videos.

There aren't even enough memories to stop my heart from aching, to stop the tears from falling, or to fill the emptiness of loss.

Nearly fourteen years...167 months...4992 days... But only one brief lifetime that we had you here.

 

You went home on a Wednesday.

Mom and Dad sat us down in the living room. The words I cannot remember.

All I remember was the whirlwind of pain, the multitude of shock, the agony of disbelief…

You can’t be gone! You were here yesterday!

The tears, the shocking silence, the deafening screams… All at once, life changed forever.

“No one dies from Lupus, do they?” “How did this happen?” “This is just a dream, right?”

But the day went on and the dream became a reality,

and now the days turn into weeks, the weeks in to months, and the months to years;

Yet the pain, the disbelief, and the longing remains.

 

I know I'll see you again.

I know you'll find me one day.

You'll run up to me, wrap those skinny arms around my neck, hug me like only you can, and I'll finally know that I'll never have to let go.

But until that day, I live your legacy.

I ask myself, “What would Maya do?”

My baby sister, now my inspiration, my hope, and the legacy I will forever try to live up to.

With your spirit in my heart, I study, I learn, I hope

To inspire, to save, to help, to nurture

Others who are as you once were, ill and hopeful, strong and passionate.

I pray each day that I make you proud. That I make you smile.

And in my soul, I ache for the day that I will awake from this dream,

Hear your voice, and feel the consolation I am searching for.

 

For now, that day is just a distant dream, but the promise of that day will help me survive the heartbreak of a lifetime...