I open the window
So I don’t suffocate
But the air doesn’t reach my lungs
As I try to count my breaths
Monday I came in to see you
For the last time.
The last time.
And I never said goodbye.
Wednesday I took a test.
Back at school and then went home.
I don’t remember anything
Beside the PSAT and the moment you were gone from me.
I remember it was 9.
DAD IN THE HALL.
BEDROOM DOOR OPENS.
(the last time I believe in miracles as I think you might be too)
I remember how everything got worse from then.
It doesn’t get better
You get used to it.
You get used to cold,
Just the absence of heat.
You get used to the holes when they become a part of you.
I don’t remember forgetting.
Your face gets fuzzy.
I conjure up your voice but I lost your laugh.
I can’t hold on to everything that’s flying away from me
In a thousand different directions
And when someone asked me last week
I can’t remember your favorite food
It’s been viciously consumed by the ghost of time.
I remember the look on your dad’s face,
Yes, this is what I remember most,
The look as he stared at you
With silent tears
And the face of a man
A veteran of war
Who was never prepared for the devastation of life
As he is told his daughter will die.
She will die slowly.
And he can’t save her,
But he can watch
As the life drains out of her.
I gasp for air uncontrollably
Leaning my head out the window.
As I am stuck remembering
Memories block air from reaching my lungs.
Stuck on repeat
Spinning spinning spinning
And it’s been two years.