My phone used to ring
At 11:55 PM
Every single night
For some lovely months,
But at this 11:55 PM,
Ringing has ceased
Because I asked for it to.
At 11:55 PM,
Responsibilities are no more,
And my to-do list is crumpled
In the waste bin.
There are no people to see
Or people to talk to,
And I am alone in my room with nothing
But memories of fluttering conversations
Lucidly spoken yet
As far away as dreams become.
I sit up and refuse to sleep
Because just attempting to
Leads to visions of you,
Of us before,
And I cannot stand the sight of you
When I was the one insisting on
Never seeing your face again.
I sit up and toss this
Back and forth
In my busy head
Like yarn between nimble paws,
Like dough in bakers’ hands,
Back and forth,
Back and forth,
Everything seems so silent
And so eerily still while I sit here,
Except warm tears form after a while.
I should not be crying like this,
I should not miss the one who hurt me the most,
Who loved me the most,
Who hurt me the absolute most.
Do not think I will forget your words,
Your icy words that one sunny morning.
It was a Tuesday,
Was it not?
It was a Tuesday morning to feel good about,
A Tuesday full of sunshine,
And it was the kind of sunshine that didn’t just shine,
But it pleaded to dance on human skin.
I felt no dancing rays on my skin.
It pranced around me,
And I became blind to the sun
As if a storm possessively hovered
Above me alone.
Read this once over,
Read this as many times as you desire.
This is my finale,
My final words you may never get to read,
But I have nothing left for you anyway.
In a way,
This is for me
After everything I gave
And all that I thought you deserved
To keep for yourself,
You thought you received nothing.
But mind and heart are the only
My finale –
Are you ready?
Here it is.
Keep to yourself from now on,
And I hope it is as difficult as it is for me,
But no more than the pain I’m swallowing
Because I never meant for this to feel
Like we would be hanging our hearts out
To dry and shrivel in merciless heat,
To disintegrate and leave the air toxic,
Keep away from me
And do not ever talk to me again
Or try to come near me,
But that should not be too hard
Since we have not really met in months.
We identify with "I love you,"
We have forgotten who the other is.
I did not know who you were
This entire time
Except that you were the person who said,
"I love you"
Let my absence sink into every single pore
As I have wallowed in my loneliness just the same
Swimming in emptiness
And flailing for something to hang onto
But finding nothing.
Realize that we really could have been something,
We were something,
But it was thrown.
I did not throw this away.
You did not throw this away.
It was thrown,
And that’s that.
Treat the next one better,
And trust her more than you tried to me.
Try this time for her sake,
And let her know that you are okay with her
Sitting with friends she has known
Her whole life,
Letting her feel their presence
Along with yours,
Not just yours.
Let her know that you are okay with her
Falling asleep when she needs rest
Instead of pulling all-nighter conversations
With you on the other side of her cellphone.
Let her know she is beautiful,
But don’t frighten her by expecting
The same praise for you.
Love her the way that you feel
You should love somebody,
And she will love you the best way
That she is familiar with
And that should be more than enough
For both of you.
I tried my best.
My reserves have been exhausted,
And I am all out of love
For both of us.
It really is over,
It really is over.
Hold those tears in.
"It is 12:00 AM now,"
I used to tell you
To see if you knew
That I wanted to go.
It is 12:00 AM now
With no you to end our call with,
So let me hang up.
It is 12:00 AM now,
But the end can be beautiful,
This is no ending.
This is my new beginning.