I never intended to melt
To fill the mold I was instructed to fill
I never intended to fade
To break away pieces of myself
To squeeze between the cracks
To suck the moisture from the pavement
The subtle memories of the suffering I endured to be here today.
I never intended to let the insults become fabric sewn to the sutures of my skin.
I never intended to let sticks and stones break my bones but some words break more than you can fix.
I watched myself get lost in despair
Eating anything to fill the emptiness
And eating nothing to become the emptiness.
Now I am nearly 24
My kidneys build stones for anything to hold onto.
My liver begs me for mercy
From the pills I took
Both to survive or the alternative
And drinking is a bittersweet arrangement
Sucking away at my health
And my bank account
And anything else I will give it.
But she helps me forget who I am
If only for a moment
Shows me how it feels to have friends again
To feel less alone.
I know that inevitably I am dying
But aren’t we all?
You can not blame me for accelerating the process
You see my mother always taught me if you’re not early then you’re late.
And being late was never an option
I never intended to be this alone
To be this insecure at 23
This ashamed of my own body
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise.
I don’t want to fall apart to satisfy the voices calling.
I don’t want to squeeze my bones dry
I just want to exist
And be loved
And be able to accept that some things are better left untouched.
It is hard not to believe what you’re told
that my worth is only based on whether I am deemed fuckable
Whether this stomach is flat enough to satisfy the men and women who prey on the minds of those like mine
Let the tear drops fall, but do not catch them
You cannot count the calories in your tear drops.
You cannot count the stars in the sky
Or the sand on the beaches
Instead count the breaths you take til you stop crying.
Count the steps it takes to get to your mirror.
You are not perfect
I am sorry
You will never be perfect
But you don’t have to be
Perfect is a pretty picture on plastic cups
Poems are never meant to be perfect
And you my love are a poem they will never stop reading.
You weren’t made bite-sized for a reason
Let them chew on your memory forever
And don’t let them swallow it.
Some poems are too powerful to swallow
You are everything it took to survive
Every scar and smile and uneven line in that mirror.
Write your poem
And let them choke on it.