I'm not mad

Dear Ex-Significant Other,
I refer to you as "ex-significant other" because I know you wish that I had said that instead of your name back when I ranted about you on social media.
My soul had been so consumed by negativity - pain, anger, betrayal - that I had lost my sense of respect and the love I once felt for you.
I let this negativity cloud my thought processing like alcohol impairs one's judgement, and I can't take that back.
But you can't take back what you've done either. 

You always said always and forever. 
You always said that you'd always be here for me no matter what
And you even used to say that you would die if something were to ever happen to us and what we had, and yet, you are the one who broke down what we had,
But that's fine. I'm not mad. 
I'm not mad anymore. 

I'm not mad because I see now the toxicity that you saw when our relationship began to steadily trail downhill like a boulder - slow at first but picking up momentum as the hill became steeper and steeper. 
I see now that we weren't meant to be, not even as friends, because when we talk and when we're together, the tension between us is so mind blowing, so overwhelming all because of our past - our 2 year and 11 month long past - that we couldn't remember what it was like when we were still just friends. 
I'm not mad anymore because I realize that I fucked up, too.

But didn't you fuck up worse than me?
I mean, 
I didn't make you out to be abusive and I didn't block you on all social media just because of one stupid fight after a long day of stress and depression and self esteem problems,
And when I finally said that I couldn't talk anymore, that's truly the reason why, whether you believe it or not.
I was stressed and depressed and my self esttem fell to a rock bottom that I didn't even know was reachable, and talking to you, the one who I saw my future with, it made my self esteem start to dig itself even deeper past that rock bottom.
It dug a hole through rock bottom until it created a new rock bottom
All because the future I saw with you was gone and I didn't understand what the fuck I did wrong. 
Where the fuck did I go wrong?!

Dear Ex-Significant Other,
I hope you're doing well. 
I hope your new significant other treats you better than I treated you - you know, since I was abusive and manipulative 
But that's besides the point. 
I hope your dad is continuing his path to sobriety that you wished he had obtained years ago as you spent countless nights hidden away in your room as he went on his drunken rampages.
I hope your life is getting better. 
I hope that all is well.

Dear Ex-Significant Other,
I mean it this time. 
I'm not mad. 
I'm not mad anymore.

This poem is about: 
Me

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