
I'm Not an Alcoholic
I see the world through shattered lenses now
Because every time I fall
My glasses crack a little more
Crack like the bottle every night
Before I wake up on the floor.
I lie there.
I lie there on the floor just like I lied my way through rehab
I said 'hi my name is Linda
I'm not drowning I'm just sinking
Like my teeth into the coils
Coils of a tap
Because I don't feel like thinking.'
But I am not an alcoholic.
My grandkids are growing up so fast
But that's what their mother tells me
I can't see it for myself
Because I won't get out of bed.
My filthy soggy bed
That wreaks of putrefaction?
That's what I lie in every night
With no hope for satisfaction.
I lie there.
I lie there in my bed
Just like I lied to my poor daughter
About what was in the bag
Or in my car
Or in my cupboard.
But I am not an alcoholic.
I use what strength that I have left
To wipe away the feverish sweat
And I listen to the voices say
Just pop another pill
There has to be a way to end
This ever-haunting pain.
The burning stabbing raw and raging
Violent vice-like pain
The kind that makes you hold your breath
With total immobilization
That stains the couch and carpets
With bloody regurgitation.
I lie there.
I lie there on the stretcher
Like I lied to all my friends
Who tried their best to help me
But I don't need them in my life
I can take care of myself.
I am not an alcoholic.
Sirens blaring
Tires squealing
All colors run together
Machines are beeping
People crying
And my daughter holds my hand
I asked her 'am I dying?'
She said 'you're gonna be just fine
I love you Mom, I love you
And we'll get through this together
Don't you worry.'
I lie here.
I lie here in my grave
Just like I lied to myself
About who I really was.
I could have gone the extra mile
I could have seen my grandkids graduate
I could have been the mom
That I always should have been.
And I'm sorry.
I am an alcoholic.