I'm Fine

Water; I was raised to love it,

but little by little I grew to hate it.

Maybe it was his burning stare

that evaporated any chance for me to dive back in.

Or maybe that he was my friend,

one I thought so close no one thought capable of,

that made my hatred grow,

spreading like petroleum,

contaminating the waters I once thought were safe.

But with a single light of a match,

that girl who learned to trust,

never trusted again.

Ablaze a girl who was now slowly drowning in fire.

I’m fiNe,

she would say,

pinching herself to convince her mind those words were true.

Even when it hurt and the smell of blood brought her back,

she never felt a pain stronger than the one her heart knew.

No one noticed.

At least she convinced herself no one did.

She smiled and embraced an act she so constantly repeated the mornings before school began,

afraid that if it didn’t seem real,

someone would notice.

And if someone did,

her weakness will be displayed

like a gazelle in the open Savannah where so many predators are waiting to prey on.

No one seems to notice how much she exerts herself in physical activities,

how much she eats,

how much she stares at herself in the mirror

to find any new flaws she can use as an excuse to do more.

But it is normal for her to be that way, right?

She studies all day,

deprives herself of some sleep to keep the academic profile up,

while eating more than what her body can hold.

School ends and summer begins,

which for her is always a mix of both fortunate and terrible luck.

Lucky she gets to burn those calories she gained,

to perfect her body just like her mind wants it to.

Unlucky to see her Academic efforts come to a waste

as she sees her transcript and sees that she is in the same place.

The hatred only rises,

displaying to her mom how much she’s grown,

how much of that little girl she raised to swim is still left.

Summer for many is a chance to be who you want

without anyone looking at you,

not judging you,

not wishing they were you.

She hates the people that admire her

because they only see what’s in the surface and not what’s below.

Because she knows if they met the real her

they would be disgusted and scared.

Not all monsters were made to scare.

This monster was meant to destroy.

She locks herself in the bathroom,

waiting for the tears to fall,

but they never do.

Instead, her eyes burn like a million forest fires.

She puts it out with water as she enters her tub,

never taking off her clothes.

She sinks and relaxes into a comfortable position,

afraid that if she doesn’t,

she will remember their eyes.

She breathes slowly.

In and out. Fast and slow.

I’m fiNe,

she repeats as she pounds her fists into her head,

as if that can engrave the message she so hard tried to believe,

I’m FiNe,

before she submerges herself into a tub of water,

one many call a very long bath.


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