Because I love you,

I'll make sure you know it.

When your head hangs low in defeat,

I'll be there to hold it up high.

When the weather is dark and gloomy,

I'll be there to make your day bright.

When you're not sure if your existence serves a purpose,

I'll be there

To tell you about all of the purposes you serve in my life.

Not that your only purpose is to serve my purpose

But your existence gives me purpose.

When you're smiling so hard that your eyes crinkle,

I'll make sure I'm there being the cause.

When you just need your space,

I'll give it to you

Even if it tears me apart.

Just be sure to expect those "thinking of you" texts.

When you hurt me,

I'll try not to let it show

Because the idea of you hurting hurts me even more.

When you make me mad,

I'll distance myself from you.

I won't go to your district game.

But when I hear that you've been hurt,

I'll be the one beside you as they place that cast on your leg.

We'll whisper the "I'm sorry"'s

And forgive each other without knowing

That we were already forgiven.

When you're sick as a dog,

I'll be next to you

With the homemade chicken noodle soup I made when you told me you were ill.

I'll stay next to you

Even when you tell me to go

Out of fear of getting me sick too.

I'll still kiss your nose on my way out.

When I wake up next to you in the middle of the night,

I'll stay awake for a little while.

I'll study you like I study for my finals.

I'll memorize ever feature of your beautiful face

Just in case I should wake up blind,

I'll always remember the way your lips slightly part when you're in a deep sleep.

And the little bump on your nose that you hate so much,

I love it.

And the sharp edges of your jaw.

And the thickness of your eyebrows that I did every two weeks.

And the way your eyes twitch every now and then when you dream.

And the little scar above your right eyebrow,

That no on ever notices because it's so small,

I notice it.

I'll always remember the way my name sounded from your lips as you slept that night

And the smile that crept on my own

As I realized you were dreaming about me.

When you tell me you love me,

My eyes will tear up

Because I never thought I'd get the privilege to be so in love.

To be so happy.

I'll tell you that I love you too,

So much.

You'll hug me and I'll latch onto you.

We'll stay close for a long time,

Afraid to let each other go

Afraid that if we let go,

This would have all been a dream.

With you,

My life is like a beautiful dream.

When your mom notices that you're still sick,

I'll be with you when they draw out your blood.

I'll scowl at the nurse for hurting you even though I know that she has to.

When the doctor comes back into the room and tells us the news,

I'll be there,

Holding your hand

With tears streaming down my face

Like they're trying to fill a pond.

I'll drown out the sobs coming from your mother as she clasps a hand over her mouth in shock.

I look at your face that's still holding the same look it always is.

That brave, strong look you always carry.

You look ready.

But when you look down at me, 

Something changes.

You break and a tear rolls down.

I wipe it away swiftly before I wipe at my own.

I take a deep breath and get ready for all that awaits.

When I get home that night,

I do some research.

Apparently Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia is the most common childhood cancer.

When you call me at 1:15 in the morning,

I won't tell you that I can't sleep either;

I'll stay on the phone with you all night long 

And we'll talk about our hopes and dreams

Even though they feel so far away right now.

When you ask me to sing to you,

I will.

I'll sing your favorite songs

Over and over again

Until I hear your breath steady.

I'll mute the phone so that you won't hear me sob to myself

But I wouldn't dare to hang up.

I'll still be there when you wake up.

When we start to notice bald spots

Only a week after your first chemo treatment,

We don't talk about it.

Instead, I take action.

When you see me the next day,

You freeze.

I guess we're both gonna have to get used to my freshly shaved head.

Your eyes tear as a smile grows on your beautiful face.

You laugh because I beat you at being bald. 

Tears stream down my face as you pull me close.

I've never felt so peaceful

Than when our lips moved in sync in that moment....

 

It's been three months since we found out the truth.

At this point, we're just trying to hold on to our youth.

We ignore the stares we get as we walk through the mall.

And the murmurs we hear, wandering through the halls.

Things haven't been easy,

Not even close.

But when you go through things like this,

You realize that the small things in life

Matter the most.

You haven't gotten any better

And neither have I.

I didn't want to leave you 

But you said that I still need to hold on to my life.

I said okay

Because I couldn't help but feel guilty that you couldn't hold on to yours.

So when I got that phone call in the middle of my swim practice,

I got in my car,

Soaking wet,

With tears streaming down my face

And I prayed.

"Please God, please don't let it be"

Flashbacks played through my head

Like a home movie on repeat.

I didn't bother parking before I went up to see you.

I ignored the people shouting after me as I flew through the halls,

Leaving puddles behind me.

But when I got to your door,

I froze.

Afraid for what I would see,

Afraid for what might be.

With a deep breath, I pushed the door-

Greeted with nothing but silence.

And then I see you,

Lying in your gown,

So so still.

So so peaceful.

I crept towards you until I was close enough to touch you.

I gently placed my hand on your bare arm.

It amazed me that you still felt the same as you did when you were alive.

I didn't realize that your whole family was in the room until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

It made me jump.

I turned to greet your mother

Who happened to have matching puffy eyes with the rest of your family.

I hadn't realized I was sobbing until she reached up to brush away my tears.

I did the same for her.

We gained a new understanding of each other that day.

Which is why,

When your mother asked me to speak at your funeral,

I almost wanted to say no

Because I didn't think I'd be able to say goodbye.

But then I said yes,

Because I know she is the only one who may be hurting just as bad I am.

 

So now, 

When you're lying still as could be

In the same suit you wore to prom with me,

I'll say goodbye.

I'll tell you how much I loved you

And how much I still love you

And how much I'll always love you.

I'll try and fail to hold back my tears.

I'll think back upon the impact you've had for all of your years.

I'll smile your mom,

Thank her for all that she's done.

They'll tell me to remember you as the healthy,

Go-getter boy you once were.

I'll tell them no.

I'll remember you as the sweet, charming, caring, loving, generous, brave, strong, happy, and handsome boy that you never stopped being.

I'll remember you in your health

But I'll also remember you in your sickness.

Because you were always beautiful.

You were never not beautiful.

But most importantly,

When I'm speaking at your funeral,

I'll make sure to tell you that it's okay.

Don't feel bad.

Nobody's mad.

We're just so glad

That we got to experience your existence.

I'll remember you forever

But I'll let go...

Because I love you.