I'll Keep On.

Sometimes I wake up smiling, most days I don’t however, but I force it on. But if there is one thing that everyday has in common it’s that I wake up wishing you were still here and that you weren’t gone. I can’t sit on my bed while crying and asking God why? Because I know why, I made you cry and not just that, I made you cry with what feels like a lie!. I still remember the sound of your voice as it cracked when you asked me “if God has that for you, then what about my feelings?” If I could go back now I’d say I’m sorry, I’m stupid, people are filling up my head with so much stuff that now I’m believing! You said goodbye and that was the day a part of me died. I knew it then but I tried covering up the sadness with a beautiful disguise. A voice said inside “God has something more, you don’t need anyone else by your side.”  But if that was so then why am I now struggling just to get by! I told the world “I let her go because I wanted to follow God” and to a certain extent that was true. But now I’m wondering, would it have been even better, following God alongside you? The thought lingers in my head and like a virus with each day it multiplies. Sometimes I all want to do is sleep, because at least like that I won’t feel the pain that slowly kills me deep inside. Daily I ask God please take this pain away, and if that sacrifice was for you then why does it hurt so much? Just when I think I’m fine, I find myself looking at her picture and craving her touch. The once Godly man is now a mess without direction, and what hurts the most is that she fit my life like that last peace fits a puzzle, with perfection. I guess I’m just dealing with the aftermath of a heartbreak or at least that’s what my friends are saying. All I have left to do now is to get on my knees and keep on praying. And I’ll keep on praying that she finds a man that will respect her, love her, and treat her just the way they should. And I pray even more that they don’t follow alongside the footsteps of this man who once said he would. As for me, I will look towards to light and keep on walking. All while trying to kill this pain that my thoughts bring up as these demons keep talking. I will trust in you God and although I don’t understand. Please just hear the cry... of this man. Keep her safe where she goes, show me the way because I’ve strayed ... and please don’t take long. Maybe God will be finished next time we meet again, until then I’ll keep on.

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