I Wish I Could Hate You

Sun, 02/26/2017 - 02:12 -- Cainau

I just wish you would give me a reason to fight, rather than to give up as if we never had anything.

How can I expect myself to move on, when we have been through hell countless times together?
How can we expect me to bring myself to move on from you eugenics you gave been the only beautiful thing my eyes have been able to notice for so long?

Regardless the endless succession of flaws I see in the mirror, every time I saw you, every time I spoke to you or about you, I saw nothing but perfection in our future.
The most painful part is the fact that you did too.

For so long, we spoke about our life together, our family, our future challenges.
We spoke about how we would find a way to silence and defeat our inner demons.

You introduced me to your family as your fiance, you helped to avoid other women's advances as if I truly were your fiance.

Now, we haven't spoken in weeks.
No fight led to our silence.
No hostility led to our growing apart.

Now, you're with him, imagining the future we both strove for, but...
You're imagining it in his arms.
Now, he is putting minimal effort into silencing your demons, but you're just ignoring them as they grow stronger in your head.

Now, the gifts you've given me, the letters you wrote me in boot camp, the pictures you sent me to help during my transformation from nurse to Marine. They're constant, painful, reminders of you and the fact that you still have my gifts to you.
The ring you gave me.
Engraved with, "Semper Fidelis"-- Always Faithful.
It kills me to feel it on my finger but it kills me to take it off at the same time.

I want nothing more than yo be able to hate you.
I want to be able to forget about our image of the future, but honestly?
In a million lifetimes, that life with you would still be the perfect life for me...

You're finding a way to ignore your demons- the demons I would give everything in me to defeat forever- while mine are too loud to ignore.
Without you, they're only getting louder.

How can I bring myself to move on and find OUR perfect future, with someone else, when I can only see you in her eyes?

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