I Will Never Be
You gave me a list of things I needed to change about myself
and so eagerly, willing, I swallowed my pride and stocked the shelves of my mind with your criticism
I mastered the art of cynicism
almost overnight I put up a blockade and weighed the pros and cons
of this new person I aspired to be
then, I turned off the lights and shut the door to my past and promised to never look back
despite not wanting to believe in a world where pain was permanent
I was determined to reach the light at the end of the tunnel on my own terms
but I couldn’t foresee the twists and turns that awaited me
and so like an idealist with my brain like a balloon
I filled it with empty promises until the enclosed air eventually escaped and left me deflated
perhaps I was fated not to have my head in the clouds, but in the sand
I searched within myself for a change of heart, but I had already fallen apart
each day thereafter I displayed so well this mask that concealed my tears
for years it rested upon my face, shrouding this uncharacteristically ugly part of me
I could barely withstand the bleeding heart that sunk me
and finally I understood what they meant by blood is thicker than water
because all along I was never the right amount of cautious, and I learned to cut my losses, but I’m positive I pushed the ones closest to me away
I struggled finding the grey area because my intuition had been tainted
I was incapable of discerning sincerity
and maybe it’s just me but
the degradation of fakeness was haunting
in some respect I felt ashamed that my words were nothing more than a shout into the void
completely destroyed was my self esteem
only when I hit rock bottom was I finally able to blossom
I cleared my canvas and started anew because that was the sole thing I knew to do
I avoided your apologies because they meant nothing
they were merely empty words that filled your empty heart
don’t threaten that this hated will take its toll when your lies have already poisoned your soul
I admit I stay awake each night plotting the ways to make you understand my pain
it’s a shame
so who says you’re to blame when I’m the only one playing this game
and I will be the first to acknowledge that I am no perfect human being
but though I may be disjointed, I am not a disappointment
and for a while this was hard for me to comprehend because of my lack of achievement
I have never been destined for any particular destination
my intentions have often been lost in translation
and my inherent insecurities are triggered by my vulnerability,
I’m constantly haunted by my inability to cope with the fact that life is nothing more than a constant departure
maybe it’s just my sentimentality talking
maybe it’s because I’ve been conditioned to think this way
maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to lose who I am to someone who didn’t even care about me
I have never been a goodbye person but I said goodbye without hesitation to myself when I was told what my faults were
perhaps my biggest fault was believing what I had been told
for I was the one who didn’t belong but still played along in the hopes that I would be accepted
I was the one who was awkward, I struggled not to be a coward
I was the one without self confidence, too much baggage
but what bothered me the most was the constant fear of being forgotten
because how can you expect to hold a special place in someone’s life… when all you’ve shown them is a mere shadow of who you really are?
so now when I look back at those wretched days
I am not fazed, but instead amazed at how fast I shed my skin and transformed into a butterfly
because the reality is I will never be more than what I already am
and truthfully, I am okay with exactly that