I Will Never Be

You gave me a list of things I needed to change about myself

and so eagerly, willing, I swallowed my pride and stocked the shelves of my mind with your criticism

I mastered the art of cynicism

almost overnight I put up a blockade and weighed the pros and cons

of this new person I aspired to be

then, I turned off the lights and shut the door to my past and promised to never look back

despite not wanting to believe in a world where pain was permanent

I was determined to reach the light at the end of the tunnel on my own terms

but I couldn’t foresee the twists and turns that awaited me

and so like an idealist with my brain like a balloon

I filled it with empty promises until the enclosed air eventually escaped and left me deflated

perhaps I was fated not to have my head in the clouds, but in the sand

I searched within myself for a change of heart, but I had already fallen apart

each day thereafter I displayed so well this mask that concealed my tears

for years it rested upon my face, shrouding this uncharacteristically ugly part of me

I could barely withstand the bleeding heart that sunk me

and finally I understood what they meant by blood is thicker than water

because all along I was never the right amount of cautious, and I learned to cut my losses, but I’m positive I pushed the ones closest to me away

I struggled finding the grey area because my intuition had been tainted

I was incapable of discerning sincerity

and maybe it’s just me but

the degradation of fakeness was haunting

in some respect I felt ashamed that my words were nothing more than a shout into the void

completely destroyed was my self esteem

only when I hit rock bottom was I finally able to blossom

I cleared my canvas and started anew because that was the sole thing I knew to do

I avoided your apologies because they meant nothing

they were merely empty words that filled your empty heart

don’t threaten that this hated will take its toll when your lies have already poisoned your soul

I admit I stay awake each night plotting the ways to make you understand my pain

it’s a shame

so who says you’re to blame when I’m the only one playing this game

and I will be the first to acknowledge that I am no perfect human being

but though I may be disjointed, I am not a disappointment

and for a while this was hard for me to comprehend because of my lack of achievement

I have never been destined for any particular destination

my intentions have often been lost in translation

and my inherent insecurities are triggered by my vulnerability,

I’m constantly haunted by my inability to cope with the fact that life is nothing more than a constant departure

maybe it’s just my sentimentality talking

maybe it’s because I’ve been conditioned to think this way

maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to lose who I am to someone who didn’t even care about me

I have never been a goodbye person but I said goodbye without hesitation to myself when I was told what my faults were

perhaps my biggest fault was believing what I had been told

for I was the one who didn’t belong but still played along in the hopes that I would be accepted

I was the one who was awkward, I struggled not to be a coward

I was the one without self confidence, too much baggage

but what bothered me the most was the constant fear of being forgotten

because how can you expect to hold a special place in someone’s life… when all you’ve shown them is a mere shadow of who you really are?

so now when I look back at those wretched days

I am not fazed, but instead amazed at how fast I shed my skin and transformed into a butterfly

because the reality is I will never be more than what I already am

and truthfully, I am okay with exactly that

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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