I was delusional and I still am

My biggest fear

is that I'll never feel that way again

I remember Every. Single. Second

of him. 

The only question I can ever ask

is why?

Why can I turn it all back on

with a single instant?

Why am I able to go back in time,

to go back to him?


This isn't even a love story

It's a never-loved story

It's a one-sided love story

and to this day I don't understand it

I don't understand how one person can be

uncontrollably, magnificently, forever 

what I can only describe as "in love"

with someone and not have their feelings returned

I would have- I still would

Give my life for his

and that doesn't make any sense.


My biggest fear is that I'll never feel that way again.

that simply sitting next to another human being

will never again give me

that hummingbird heartbeat

All I needed was

    his smile

        his hug

            his voice

                 his existence 

And all the shadows and nightmares

would disappear.


Now it's been 2 years since I've seen you last

That night when you asked me to dance

and I declined in fear that it was a joke

When all I really wanted was to be next to you

and you could tell, because you always could.











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