I was 13.

My friend was depressed

And I told her to

“Get over it”

Because I didn’t understand the tortures of

Sadness

Of hopelessness

Of worthlessness.

I was 13.

 

I was 15.

Sunset on summer, sunrise on school

I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready to go back to desks and lectures

I wanted to chase ice cream trucks

And drink cold lemonade.

But so does everyone else. 

I was 15.

 

I was in World History.

Sailing the seven seas of whoa

Watching from the top of a textbook.

I was floating above it all.

I wanted to escape it all.

I was in World History.

 

I was at home

When I started crying

For no reason at all.

I thought why me?

I thought I feel so alone.

I thought no body cared.

 

I was at home

When I told my friend 

“I want to die”

 

I was at home

When she looked me in the eye

And said

“Sorry.”

 

I was in my car

When I swerved left and right

Trying to find the courage to 

Slam into the tree

Into the road sign

Into another car

But

I arrived at home.

 

I was at home

When I cried into my mother’s shoulder

Saying that I hated my life

That I wanted to die

That I didn’t feel worth it

“It?”

She asked.

“It”

I said.

“Life. Family. Friends. School. Future. I don’t know.”

My mom kissed me on my forehead and told me

“I love you”

“I support you”

“I care about you”

“I want you to be happy”

“We are going to work together”

 

I was here

Writing out these encounters

When I started to cry.

I was 13 

When I disregarded a person’s depression

I was 15

When I wanted to die

And had no one to help me

I was at home

When I realized that I had love

 

I have love to give

And love to give to you.

So please

Find help

You deserve to live

You deserve to love

you deserve to heal

You deserve these things because you matter

You matter

 

I wish someone had told that to me when

I was 13

I was 15

I was in World History

I was at home

I was in my car

I was here

Because I needed to hear that

I need you to hear it too