After it happened, I forced down the jagged edges clawing up my throat. it surpassed

Bile, surpassed fear, a deeper wound within. it's

Chilled, pulled tight beneath the skin that perpetually failed me.

Dinner untouched on the table; I frantically cleanse the taint of sin from ceramic tiles.

Every night I etch my pain,

Fumbling for redemption, seeking something—perhaps 

God, but the hollow echoes persist in my ears. a sister's existence 

Heightens the unbearable guilt; I choke, knowing she will never be the same. 

I dig into a jutted collarbone,

Jeering at the fearful girl in the glass, wondering if the wild things knew such torment.

Killing myself was a supposed to be a 

Lie, an illusion, a self-control I never had.

My teeth press into my lip, tongue weighted and

Numb, the purple of bruised fingernails;

Oxycontin arrayed on the countertop like petals.

Pleading to the silence seems futile, but I whisper anyway. rage finally

Quiets and dinner is still on the table, kneeling on

Rug-burned knees; I’m not sure if God can hear me. please let me repent—

Someone stored my meal, and

Three times I’ve tried to push the crimson back into my limbs. 

Unclenching fists, what remains seeping out from my marrow. my

Veins are barren now, nothing left but to wait for someone to find me. my fingers,

Wilted, a spine curved in submission,

Xerostomia grips me swiftly, a bitter pill dissolving beneath my tongue. shadows

Yawning, pooling in corners.

Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro hidden beneath the sink.