Do you see all this pain?

It's the pain of existing

In a world that does not care

For the people like me

Who refuse to conform.

It's the pain of standing

Across the room from

The man who loves you most

And not wanting him to touch you

Because you swear to God

You are a tumor on his skin

And you can't even cry

Because your knees will collapse

In an act of strength.

It's the pain of being awake

And not feeling like you exist at all

Because there is no difference

Between the way you feel

When you fall asleep

And when you wake up.

It is the pain of being

A flower in the snow.

It is the pain of carrying my name,

The “Goddess of Colour”

And not seeing the point

To all the colors when really all the lines

Are just different values of grey.

It is the pain of forgetting how to forget.

And you know that your lungs

Are expanding and compressing

And oxygen is flowing in and out

But when was the last time

You felt yourself breathe?

Because I can't remember and

I swear to God I'm not awake

But I'm not asleep and

I can't remember

What my own face looks like

Because it's always changing

It always changes day to day

And how can someone love a screwed up mess?

And when my voice cracks

It’s the only time I'm strong

Because if I was strong enough to cry I would,

But I'm not.

And I swear to God I'm going to die.

When will I accept that Hell has to be enough?

Because I wake up screaming and crying

And yet it's not as terrifying

As in the days when I can't shed a single tear

Because there's not enough water in my body.

I swear my blood has run dry,

And they say I have a heartbeat

But I can't feel it anymore!

My lungs move in and out

But there is no chemical reaction.

And when will someone understand

That loving me only means

You’re going to watch me get hurt???

Because all my life

I've destroyed myself and

Maybe if I empty my stomach

I'll look in the mirror and find myself beautiful

Maybe if I empty my stomach

There will be more room in my chest to breathe

But I can't

I can't

WHERE IS THE AIR THAT I NEED

TO CONVINCE ME THAT I AM STILL ALIVE?

I'm screaming on the inside,

But I'm choking on my lungs.

Please help me because

I don't know how sadness makes a sound,

But it resonates inside my head and

I swear to God that cold is a feeling

And it's seeping between my ribs.

It hurts I swear it hurts!

It’s a feeling and it doesn't go away…

How do I sketch myself into a person

That doesn't ache when the sky is awake?

And how do I stop myself

From letting blue fire bleed out

Between the ribcage on the skeleton

In the mirror?

And I swear to God all the fire in my eyes

Went to destroying my mind and

I am a human and I am selfish!

I swear that I am!

And if I die please bury me

With the blood still woven

Between the fibers of my hair

Because the only way

I want to continue to exist

Is exactly the way that I stopped!

I'm trying to express exactly how I feel

But it's really hard to talk

Around a grenade in your throat,

You know?