I Remember

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I remember being so overwhelmed.
I remember crying often
And being lonely.
I remember stressing over every flaw
Every possible outcome to every problem.
It feels like so long ago.

I can recall the very moment that this changed.
When my emotions flooded out of me
And I began exposing myself to the sun.
I remember putting down the pencil for once
And trading it for the outstretched hand in front of me.
I remember talking
Like it was the very first time I had heard my own voice.

But now all I can ever think about
Is showering in boiling water
Attempting to burn away all of the troubles and misconceptions on my skin.
I try scrubbing away the grime and the things I hate about myself
Because I can’t hide from them any longer.
All I can remember is how it’s so much easier
To be lonely when we choose to
Than when we are forced to.

Because when we’re forced to be by ourselves,
It’s a constant reminder to what we’re missing
And there is no independence
But rather a feeling of being unwanted,
Unneeded.
I want to burn it all away and forget it too.

What I don’t remember is when things got so damn complicated,
Where I suddenly lost focus and didn’t play close enough attention.
It must’ve been between the times I tried on a new laugh
A new smile
And lost myself inside of a fantasy that could never last forever.

I want to burn away the complicated things
The fighting and the screaming
The tears that never stop flowing when I don’t know why I’m crying.
I want to burn away my hunger and guilt when I give in to it’
And the memories of you that I can’t run away from.
I want to burn away the scars
And my skin
And the parts of me I try to hide.

But no matter how hot I make the water,
It never seems to be hot enough.
Because while the burning sensation eventually turns me numb,
The feeling of peaceful emptiness always subsides.

I remember when I used to see everything in black and white
I remember when I began seeing in shades of grey
But I have forgotten the transition between grayscale and nauseating color
Swirls of dizziness and confusion.
I remember when hating myself was easy
And I didn’t know firsthand
That loving myself was this hard.

 

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