Dear you, I only say you because I don't know what else to call you. I don't know where we stand. You were one of my best friends, but now—now I just don't know. Things started off so well, and now they're just—awful and weird. I loved you so much, and as much as I want to say that I hate you now, I can't. No matter what you do, I can't bring myself to hate you. Even when I want to be angry, to scream and yell and cry, the minute I see your sapphire eyes, all the anger dissipates. I love you so much, and all I want is for us to be close. I want you to call me yours. To spend every night in your strong arms. My fingers in your curly hair, your nose against my collarbone, soft breaths as we lay in your bed, tangled in each other. Hearts beating in time with each other's, I want nothing more than that safety, and that love. But, even though that's all I want, it'll never happen. I can't forgive you for what you said to me. I was going through one of the hardest times in my life, and you left me. My world was falling apart around me.
You told me, YOU PROMISED, that you wouldn't leave. But you did, and now I'm lost. I'm hurt. It feels like I'm breaking, and I can't put myself back together. I opened up to you. I let you in, even with all the horrible stuff people have done to me when I opened up to them, I let you in because I trusted you. You promised that you wouldn't judge me, that you wouldn't laugh. You promised—that I would be safe. As much as my mind told me not to, I couldn't help but trust you, so I let you in. I told you everything. When I told you everything, you started being distant. You didn't want to see me as much, you didn't want to play games like we always did. Something wasn't right, and I knew it. I asked you what was wrong, but you said nothing. You never let anyone help you. After I asked, you started acting differently again. You were cruel, mocking me for every little thing that I did. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. You broke me. I lost it. I cried, I screamed, and I threw a deck of cards at your head, just like you did with me that night.
I tossed and turned all night, constantly checking my phone, praying to God that you would message me and we could fix everything. My pillow was soaked in tears, and my eyes stung, a lot like my heart. The next morning, the first thing I did was check my phone. You had finally texted me and sent me a link to an essay because you didn't want to type the entire response over text. My breath caught in my throat. I felt like I was drowning.
"You only did it for attention."
"I'm annoyed by you."
"I don't want to be responsible if you break."
"I am not going to waste my time and effort doing something that I think is impossible."
"I'm done interacting with and talking to you."
All the things I had told you, over the entire course of our friendship, everything was broken. My head was pounding, my heart felt like it stopped, and my entire body felt like it was on fire. Thoughts were rushing around in my head, a torrent of angry and hurt words whirling around like a tornado.
No, I didn't try to kill myself for attention. YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE! Why did this happen to me? Don't you understand that I'm suffering too? I'm hurting more than I ever have before, and now the one person that was helping me keep it together, is gone.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for what you said in that letter. Every time I see you now, I imagine those words coming out of your mouth. How could I forgive you? You said that I was fake, and that I tried to kill myself for attention. I couldn't, and I wouldn't do that. People who do things like that make me sick. I told you everything I went through, and even when you said you wouldn't judge me, and you wouldn't leave, but you did them both. I couldn't cry, I couldn't even speak when I read those words. I couldn't feel at all. My entire world was crashing down.
That's all I felt. You left me alone, with the world, and with my own thoughts. You used to say, "It's us against the world."
Now it's just me.
It's me against the world, and I don't think I can do it on my own. I feel like I'm losing everything these days. I don't know how to be me without you anymore. When I came here, you let me be myself. You didn't judge me like everyone else, you let me find out who I was, and all you did was encourage me to be myself. You didn't want me to be afraid of being judged by other people. Without you by my side, I don't know how to be me. I'm losing everything, including myself.
I want you by my side. I want it to be us against the world again because that's the only way I'm going to make it. Even if you won't call me yours, I need you in my life.
If you come back,
I promise I won't hurt you like you hurt me.