I never thought I'd be that girl.
So in love love with a boy. A boy that consumed every part of my mind. A boy who's simple name could give me a swarm of butterflies in my tummy.
My daddy told me to never be that girl, and I know it was those girls that my own father used. I never thought I would meet a boy to make me feel like that girl. But then here comes you.
I was 9. You were 12.
We met at that swimming pool in Mississippi. Remember? We would race each other, and talk about whatever it was that kids that age talked about. I saw you everyday for about 2 months. That whole summer.
Then I never saw you at that swimming pool again.
7 years passed. I was 16. You were 19.
We were at the Delta Jubilee when my friend introduced us. But we already knew each other. We were so excited to see each other. It was obvious. Wasn't it? You hugged me and I thought I felt something. I remember telling myself "you cannot be that girl." Days went by and I could not stop thinking about you. But I kept telling myself you were only a childhood friend. I just had had to know the older you. So I got your number from a friend.
We would oovoo almost every night. You would come see me almost every day. I didn't think I liked you. I didn't think I would ever like. Until that first night we kissed. That was the night I realized that I was not a little girl anymore, and you were not a little boy.
The summer ended.
I went back to Texas and you started college in Arkansas. We kept talking, but then you got a girl friend. I didn't care because you weren't mine and I wasn't yours. We still talked from time to time and still remained friends. We made plans for that Christmas in 2014.
When I saw you, I was ashamed of myself. I wish in this room with this boy who had a girl friend, and I didn't even care. When it came to you, my conscience didn't speak to me. Everything with you was right. I looked past that and told myself I would never be her with you.
Now I'm 17 and you're 20.
I remember the exact day I realized I was in love with you. I let myself become THAT girl for YOU. I completely opened myself up to you. I told you my deepest secrets. I gave you every part of me that I had to give.
You gave me your heart that day too. Didn't you?
You loved me too. Right? You promised me forever. We always talked about the future. You were my first love. I had never felt that way about anyone. I didn't know what to do. You told me to trust you. To believe you. And I did.
You told me to never doubt you. And I didn't. When in reality I had every reason to.
You lied to me. You promised me you would never break my heart, because the first heartbreak was always the worst. Do you remember saying that? But you did break my heart. You wrecked me. You broke me beyond repair. While I'm up at night crying. This girl that you said was only a friend has you wrapped in her arms. No matter how many times you say you're sorry. I will always be that girl to you.
I was so naive.
I'm 17. You're 20
I'm still in high school. You're a sophomore in college.
I live in Texas. You live in Arkansas.
I became that girl. I became that girl for you. Being that girl isn't the problem. Being that girl for the wrong one is. All I want to do is hate you and forget you ever existed. But I just can't stop loving your stupid ass.
It's only been about a month. And today I am still that girl, I am hurt, confused, tired, a strong lover, and a lost soul.