It’s been three years now

And I still think of you when I stare into my right wall

When I feel a breeze fall against my neck

When I see the closed eyes of my key keeper

 

And I still think of you when I remind myself I’m okay

That all the pieces are falling perfectly together

That my life is being laid out before my feet

 

And still, I think it’s going to take much longer than I thought

To clean out your messy bloodstains

Because once they soaked in the brain

Only the heart can wash them out

 

Perhaps I’m not afraid of you anymore

Not of your pretend knives and closing hands around my throat

But I still feel your piercing words as you said

‘You’re synthetic.’

 

As I looked into the closed eyes of my key keeper

I want to scream and pull my hair out

But the harder I pull, the stronger I realize

I’m weak

And I’m not sure that will ever change

 

I don’t want to stop looking

I don’t want to stop breathing

I don’t want to stop staying awake

 

But the clock is striking twelve now

And too many tears are being shed to justify

The ounce of pain I’m reliving

 

I must relive him

Each and every night

Each and every night