I am aware that this is at least the eleventh letter I have written to you, but I can’t promise it will be the last. The reason I am in this mess is both of our faults; yours for treating me the way you did, and mine for ending things.
I am completely aware that I deserve better, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the lack of closure, but I am attached to you. I miss seeing you and being near you, and maybe if I could see you again I could sort out my feelings. But that would be too much of a gamble.
I can’t tell you how much simpler my life would be if I hadn’t ever met you; it’s complicated now without you, and it would be complicated with you still in it. I wish you would either come back or leave for good.I fell in love with you this summer and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I knew from the moment we were on the bus ride home from the mission trip; it was during one of the moments when you laughed and scrunched up your nose and bit your tongue like you always do. People always say “you’ll know when you know”. Now I know.
I felt more like myself when I was with you than I ever have before. And when I’m not with you, you inspire me to be a better version of myself. I envy those who have the privilege of meeting you, and I wonder if they are as impacted by you as I am.
I hate you for the way you treated me, and for your ability to move on so easily and quickly. But I love you. Regardless of who I end up with, I will still love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone like you but at the same time I don’t, because all they will do is remind me of you. Everything reminds me of you. Everytime I pass the Naval Academy, or see something about the Navy, or hear someone say something that you used to say, or every time a Judas Priest or Van Halen song comes up on my Spotify, I think of you. Everytime I’m watching a movie and there’s a cute actor, I realize that the reason I find him good looking is because he looks like you. I frequently reminisce about our inside jokes and smile, and then I cry.
Every night I pray for you, and for a resolution to all of this. I know that this all must sound insane to you, and it is. But I love you.