i just killed a man

Sun, 01/30/2022 - 21:01 -- cruz004

Me being me shouldnt have to come with fear. As i was walking with intensity to be home before the moon was in full bloom because the more time you spend on the street the more people you will meet. Saw my house at the end of the endless inky road, every second I got closer it got colder. I was one step closer to the house of infernal hell  but instead of taking one more step I just stood there like a scarecrow and the moonlight felt heavy on me, as if it wanted to sink me. *knock knock* heavy boots rapidly approached as if i was a pending package. “ Why are you so late ?” quivering with fear i told her “ sorry momma i was just uhh…..With the priest.” The slam from the door behind me as I walked in this threshold felt like caging an animal however, the food on the table smelled rich and momma outdid herself with this. 

 

“  uuuu momma you really whipped up a meal of meals today”

 

“ yeah i was just tired of making shepherds pie and Trifle” 

 

“ well hopefully you don't get tired of making Som tam”

 

The meal was so good that I wanted more but then we wouldn't have a meal for tomorrow. It must have been 1:34 when I was all tucked in my bed. Momma kissed me and prayed goodnight, the light was off and all I could hear throughout the house was the old weak cracks on the floor wood as her lonely walks contained sorrow and fear.my big broken window had the moonlight pouring through and just thought about all of me

and how the world will one day get along and can't imagine how id feel without putting on a painted mask.  When I slept my dreams felt like a world like no other, not even fiction could describe how beautiful I felt in my head.  I slept in heaven but woke up in hell. 

Even with the morning rays from the sun looking like sky honey I felt fear. Woke up, got out of bed and dragged my comb across my head, momma said “ look at that mess, clean your bed NOW”. I did but I walked out shortly after looking outside. I just heard stories of what they do to people like me in a society so broken and how mis treated and i know momma wouldn't accept. When I walked outside it was beautiful and the inky road looked pleasant. I must have been walking outside for hours and hours just listening to music on my headphones because they make me feel safe and I know if I let others hear my music they would think I'm just a small clown with different makeup. As I was walking to the park at dark I got a little chill running down my spine but I'm kinda into it. 

I just kept thinking about me and how much of an outcast I am to the world. But the music didn't add salt to the wound, it was more like a warm soft cloth to help the wound heal. Every footstep got me closer and closer to the heart of the park where it was just gloomy and a fantasy. Along the way I just kept seeing people and they gave me weird looks because they have an idea and assume that I am what I am. Nothing but an ugly face with a bad opinion. I went off trail to go to the heart. I noticed that one raindrop came and it  brought its brother along. After a while it was a family reunion and the rain was light but enough to keep walking. My old black vans had a small incision and grew just a little but I could feel my foot get colder and a little wet but when I got to my favorite spot. it would all be worth it. It had built up fog but not as thick as an elephant

but still a little hard to see, especially since my eyesight is kind of bad. The damp dirt, wet leaves, most trees, it had all felt so perfect in a strange way. I just had a hunch that momma was going to be mad as a bull in a ring.  From a distance from the heart was something new and something I hadn't seen before. Even with the fog and rain I could just see the shiny but wet silver corner. As I was walking with curiosity and fear: I could hear the sticks break and I planted my heavy foot on a really wet rock.  I slipped and fell on a couple sticks and little rocks, 

“ AHHHHH” 

“ wait……..”

As I looked with pain on my body I saw something that made me forget about mother nature almost wanting me gone and it was a mirror. A big simple mirror that still had more to it but the rest was buried underground. Got up and i was asking more than a million questions. When I looked at the mirror I felt an indescribable thing inside of me. A feeling that I've never really felt or experienced. Looking in the mirror I saw myself. I stood there just staring at my reflection. I saw an individual with a million ideas, a unique person and realized that… no two people are exactly the same. Everyone has a different spark, mine is colorful. I looked at myself and screamed. Not out of fear but out of all that was built in me of anger, sadness and rejection. I clenched my fist and swung harder than Ali in his prime and in a blink of an eye broke the mirror and it just shattered into a million pieces. But before I could feel anything on my right hand I felt a break through. I couldn’t do anything but be a different person. I felt changed. “Is this reality?” I

asked myself as I got my breath taken from me. Running to momma I thought “ so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye.”

I ran to momma as fast as I could and on my way I saw a steeple and thought that I just had more anger inside.   I rammed through the door and momma looked at me like I was a drug adict and needed more and more. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I just felt a button being pushed and told her without any fear in my eye. “Momma I just killed a man, put the gun against his head and pulled the trigger now he’s dead.” 

“WHAT,HOW,WHEN,”

“Anyway the wind blows doesn’t matter to me”

“What are you saying?”

“It sent shivers down my spine and made me sad all the time, Now I have to face the truth, with what I’ve been through I wish I wasn’t born at all but now I’m realizing that it doesn’t matter.”

“WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU KILLING A MAN?!!”

“Momma don’t you get it ?, I’m gay.”  

With that said i thought i was gonna get killed being gay but that. But she was super supportive and I thought that being me shouldnt have to come with fear. 

 

Poetry Slam: 
This poem is about: 
My country
Our world
Guide that inspired this poem: 

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