i had a nightmare so i wrote it down

i’m sad 
sunshine body
sunlight veins
the sun
it’s a new day
but not a fresh start
and i shouldn’t be sad
thinking that i’ve lost you
because the truth is
i’ve never had you
in the first place
and the fact is
there will be once
your entire world
sitting behind me
reading these words
and laughing pitifully
at how disastrously
i am yours when
you were never mine
she knows
never mine
always hers
not anymore though 
right?
i believe you
it is what it is
has turned into 
a chant the
only thing that
keeps me going
when they scream too loud
and i once heard that
the human skin is 
incredibly hard to live in
and that’s why so many
of us tear it open
and i’ve never been one
that aspired 
to follow the crowd
but i think we all
make exceptions
i also make mixtapes
55 songs too long
too much
too much
like that song right?
its a new year
i was drunk 
on the idea of you and i
mostly on you
(you’re so beautiful 
all the time, i want to tell you that
everyday and not feel guilty)
drunk on you 
and poorly washed out wine
bad combination 
you might think
except i won’t apologize,
there’s nothing to apologize for
because it made my mind feel clear
and my heart felt like
bursting into rays
and it was 5 am
and i missed you
i miss you, 
present tense
i need to stop
writing poetry
my mother will yell
(she’ll yell anyway
because that’s the only
way she knows how to
tell me she loves me,
she loves me obviously?)
she doesn’t know you know,
don’t think she ever will
funny because 
if she does find out
it’ll be like you and i
i was never hers
to begin with
dear daughter,
you need to go.
actually i don’t want to waste
that noun on you
anymore
dear,
just go.
*don’t let me go plays softly in the background*
because that’s all i’ll ever have to 
say to anyone right ? 
its ironic because you’ve had too many people walk out
and here i am begging you to let me stay

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