I Had to Go

I had to let you go.

My heart palpitations were replaced with irritation.
Everything you would do would result in agitation.
You did nothing wrong in any manifestation.

My tolerance lowered,
And you stayed the same.
I would never take my frustration out on you--
I kept my thoughts tamed,
Did not discuss much of them with you.

I feared hurting you so much,
I hurt myself,
Berating myself for not loving you how you loved me.
I let my feelings fester,
And, then, they dulled.

You never pressured me to stay.
I stayed because I had no reason to go.
I am just hypersensitive,
I didn't want to put your feelings at bay.

You'd send me pics of when you'd cry.
I'd send you memes,
Loving your laugh.
You'd listen to my problems,
Even when you had no advice.

I loved you so platonically,
I feared what a break up could mean.

Because I'm trying to love myself, I had to go.
I had to know I was no longer playing a role,
I could not fulfill, just as how I was built.

I asked you out because I figured,
That is what people with strong feelings do--
I liked spending time with you.
My mind would wander to our conversations,
As my body was in scholastic presentation.

I do believe my feelings were genuine,
Not just amatonormative conditioning.
My orientation is flux,
So the intensity changes.
I do not know how to differentiate romance and friendship--
I'm autistic, borderline, and quoiromantic.

I always have squishes on new friends,
Intense desires to be their companion,
An emotional rush,
Perhaps a driving force behind my roller-coaster friendships,
Short-lived yet really close.

I give too much and don't know when to take.

I had never dated someone before you.
I never got used to calling you my datemate.
I haven't got used to calling you my ex.
I've always thought of you as my friend.

I don't know if I know what love is.

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