I was young 

and he was older,

so I guess I thought that he was wiser too.

When he asked me to keep a secret,

even though I wasn't sure if it was a good idea,

I said yes 

and I did my best.

 

I guess I couldn't help it,

I was young, 

I was in love.

I didn't do a good job of keeping "us" a secret

and he found out.

 

He was angry,

and I knew it,

and I knew it was my fault.

I knew it was because of me.

 

I did everything I could to set things right

even though I knew the damage was done.

I apologized, over and over, like a broken CD,

and he finally forgave me

even though things wouldn't be the same.

 

I apologized so many times,

it became a habit.

I apologized for everything I did wrong,

every little mistake. 

I apologized for everything,

for not keeping his secret,

for telling the truth,

for telling him how I felt,

for loving him,

for missing him,

for looking at him,

for thinking about him,

for existing.

 

He never asked me to stop saying "I'm sorry".

He said it was annoying,

but then he'd mention my mistakes again and I'd start apologizing all over again.

He'd simply forgive me,

or he'd say he did.

I told him all of my insecurities

and he exploited them.

He brought them up, over and over again,

prompting me to apologize and feel guilty all over again.

How many times did I have to cry 

until he would realize that I really was sorry?

 

I remember that one time,

after everything seemed to be okay again,

when I gathered up the courage to ask him to a dance.

 

We talked often, but almost never in person,

almost never on the phone,

only through text messages.

 

So even though his rejection was only tiny words on a tiny screen

they still hurt like hell.

No, he didn't really scream at me,

he didn't type in all caps,

but I felt like he did.

It felt like he had screamed,

like he had slapped me.

 

I apologized for even thinking about it,

for even asking, 

for even thinking he might forgive me.

 

I cried for hours.

I stopped talking to him after that

because I didn't want to think about everything I'd done wrong.

I already couldn't stop thinking about it,

I didn't need someone to repeat them.

 

I went to the dance anyway

even after I couldn't get a date

and I had a good time.

He didn't even show up.

 

The next day,

I received a text from him:

"I saw a picture of you in your dress online.

You looked beautiful."

 

Well I guess you wished you had said yes instead of screaming at me about every single thing I ever did wrong you filthy swine. That's your problem, your regret, your apology. I hope you feel as useless and guilty as I've felt. I guess now you wish you had treated me better. I guess it's your loss.