I Am Not (Marysville Pilchuck)
Location
I.
I am in my drama classroom.
I sit on a stool in front of my peers
And I think
I ask them
“If I was a teacher, do you think
Anyone would take me seriously?”
I get a mixed bunch of answers
And I go off on a speel about
Subconscious sexism in the modern day
And then later we are playing an improv game and
I am making a complete and utter
Fool out of myself and my heart races and
I worry about how I look to other people
I am okay.
II.
I grab my painting and I
Mix my paints and I
Find a lovely color for seaweed
And an okay color for rice
I hug my friend for a very long time
Until I grab my brushes
We work on surrealism
I think about how instead of
Soy sauce drizzled across
These pieces of sushi
It will be blood and
I am okay.
III.
I sit on the risers in my choir classroom
The day before we sat in a
Two million dollar vehicle
To talk about bullying in schools
And how they sometimes can
End up in school shootings
Today my teacher plays
Videos from the concert two nights before
My girlfriend has taken the video
For my father who would’ve
Given anything just to make it
So, embarrassingly enough
The video is entirely of my face
My shoulders, and my ugly
Expressions as I sing my heart out
I pick out all my flaws and
Cover my face and moan
“Kill me now”
My peers tell me how cute it is
And say “She really loves you doesn’t she?”
I tell them she does and
I am okay.
LUNCH
I’ve lost my phone and I run
Around just to have found it
In the drama classroom
And I think about how lucky I am
To not have it stolen
When I get to the DECA store
I hug my girlfriend and I tell her
I love her
She goes to class
I receive my lunch and I am
Walking back to the choir classroom
When I see an admin speedwalking
Through the commons
Instinct tells me something is up
But I don’t question it
Through the halls I see a girl
from my first period and I want to
Smile at her but she is listening to
Her friend talk
She is crying and I over hear something
About a school shooting
When I get to the choir room
I tell my friends what I have heard and
That I am concerned and even though
I don’t believe the shooting was here
I still am worried
One of my best friends pulls me into
The dressing room and tells two others
To come in with us
For he does not want to take any chances
He puts on a record and I go onto Twitter and
It tells me the school shooting is
One high school south of us
I cry out of empathy for the children and families but
I am okay.
IV.
Walking into my chemistry classroom my
Teachers face is solemn and
The reason is clear for why he does
Not greet me
I sit with my friend and I can not calm down
Despite his efforts to tell me that
I am okay
Everyone in my classroom is
Talking about what has happened yet
We go through the classwork and
Take a quiz and not a word is
Said to the class about it and
I am okay.
V.
I get to English and
It is the only class I will be in
For this day that will
Recognize what has happened at 10:45 a.m.
We listen to my teacher talk
About what he knows and he tells us he
“Prays to God it’ll never happen here”
It reminds me of how he said
The same exact thing my freshman year
After an intruder drill.
We put on the news and ignore Animal Farm and
I am okay.
VI.
In Geometry my teacher
Does not say a word
And neither do any students
She collects the homework and
We take a quiz and I look
At my friend as she finishes and
I can’t help but think about
How much trust I put in her
And in everyone in this classroom
Not to kill me today
I ask my teacher and she lets me
Go to the bathroom but
When I walk down the halls
I am sure to stay as close to the
Classrooms as possible just
In case someone were to turn
The corner with a gun
Two people are at the water fountain and
They won’t kill me but I think
About how they easily could
When I walk into the bathroom
I think about how my cousin last year
Hid in the bathroom and had a panic attack
During an intruder drill and did not know
If it was real or a drill
I wonder how bullets would bounce around
The ceramic tiles and bathroom stalls
Even though today they will not and today
I am okay.
LUNCH.
It is 10:44 when I sit
At my lunch table with my friends when
One of them stands up and suddenly
I am not okay.