I Am Not (Marysville Pilchuck)

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 20:30 -- sunbare



I am in my drama classroom.

I sit on a stool in front of my peers

And I think

I ask them

“If I was a teacher, do you think

Anyone would take me seriously?”

I get a mixed bunch of answers

And I go off on a speel about

Subconscious sexism in the modern day

And then later we are playing an improv game and

I am making a complete and utter

Fool out of myself and my heart races and

I worry about how I look to other people

I am okay.


I grab my painting and I

Mix my paints and I

Find a lovely color for seaweed

And an okay color for rice

I hug my friend for a very long time

Until I grab my brushes

We work on surrealism

I think about how instead of

Soy sauce drizzled across

These pieces of sushi

It will be blood and

I am okay.


I sit on the risers in my choir classroom

The day before we sat in a

Two million dollar vehicle

To talk about bullying in schools

And how they sometimes can

End up in school shootings

Today my teacher plays

Videos from the concert two nights before

My girlfriend has taken the video

For my father who would’ve

Given anything just to make it

So, embarrassingly enough

The video is entirely of my face

My shoulders, and my ugly

Expressions as I sing my heart out

I pick out all my flaws and

Cover my face and moan

“Kill me now”

My peers tell me how cute it is

And say “She really loves you doesn’t she?”

I tell them she does and

I am okay.


I’ve lost my phone and I run

Around just to have found it

In the drama classroom

And I think about how lucky I am

To not have it stolen

When I get to the DECA store

I hug my girlfriend and I tell her

I love her

She goes to class

I receive my lunch and I am

Walking back to the choir classroom

When I see an admin speedwalking

Through the commons

Instinct tells me something is up

But I don’t question it

Through the halls I see a girl

from my first period and I want to

Smile at her but she is listening to

Her friend talk

She is crying and I over hear something

About a school shooting

When I get to the choir room

I tell my friends what I have heard and

That I am concerned and even though

I don’t believe the shooting was here

I still am worried

One of my best friends pulls me into

The dressing room and tells two others

To come in with us

For he does not want to take any chances

He puts on a record and I go onto Twitter and

It tells me the school shooting is

One high school south of us

I cry out of empathy for the children and families but

I am okay.


Walking into my chemistry classroom my

Teachers face is solemn and

The reason is clear for why he does

Not greet me

I sit with my friend and I can not calm down

Despite his efforts to tell me that

I am okay

Everyone in my classroom is

Talking about what has happened yet

We go through the classwork and

Take a quiz and not a word is

Said to the class about it and

I am okay.


I get to English and

It is the only class I will be in

For this day that will

Recognize what has happened at 10:45 a.m.

We listen to my teacher talk

About what he knows and he tells us he

“Prays to God it’ll never happen here”

It reminds me of how he said

The same exact thing my freshman year

After an intruder drill.

We put on the news and ignore Animal Farm and

I am okay.


In Geometry my teacher

Does not say a word

And neither do any students

She collects the homework and

We take a quiz and I look

At my friend as she finishes and

I can’t help but think about

How much trust I put in her

And in everyone in this classroom

Not to kill me today

I ask my teacher and she lets me

Go to the bathroom but

When I walk down the halls

I am sure to stay as close to the

Classrooms as possible just

In case someone were to turn

The corner with a gun

Two people are at the water fountain and

They won’t kill me but I think

About how they easily could

When I walk into the bathroom

I think about how my cousin last year

Hid in the bathroom and had a panic attack

During an intruder drill and did not know

If it was real or a drill

I wonder how bullets would bounce around

The ceramic tiles and bathroom stalls

Even though today they will not and today

I am okay.


It is 10:44 when I sit

At my lunch table with my friends when

One of them stands up and suddenly

I am not okay.


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