I am here

I put these words on this page because everyday my heart is ripped to pieces like a piece of paper deemed unneeded. 

Sure everyday is a new day but man, everyday is the same with all this torture and all this pain. 

They tell me to follow my dreams and that I can be what I set out to be, to just keep my head up.

But they turn away and put that needle back into that pulsating vein or snort one more life-draining pill just so they can get through the day.

But while they are buzzing and flying high, I’m down here watching and waiting for the day they get sober.

Down here on the level ground, wondering what it's like to be loved by parents and family and knowing my kids will never have to worry about not being loved. 

Sitting here waiting for them to WAKE UP and see that I AM HERE.

For them to see that I’ve been here through it all watching, and with every buzz they show me who not to be, and with every pill and every puff and EVERY SINGLE PRICK, they move farther from parents and closer to acquaintances. 

I am here. I see them, I see the help they need is the help that I needed my entire life, it is all I have ever wanted from them. IT IS LOVE. 

Love, which they were too busy to give me because their precious dope was all that was on their minds, and I was never important enough for them to see or care that I… am… here…

And until I was eight I thought they were heroes but as they came closer all I wanted was for them to go away.

And when I was ten she cut herself and as I stood in the doorway of my disney bedroom I saw the blood flowing from her veins like a creek on a spring day. This which would eventually become an addiction of mine. 

A mother who instead of teaching me to read and write taught me about depression and suicide, with a father who instead of teaching me the things I would need in my later years, tortured me with words and movements that brought me to tears and enhanced all of my fears.

 A red handprint on my face from the man who called me his little princess, and a bleeding cut from the woman who told me she would always love me and a scream in each ear by the people who promised me at night that they would protect me from the monsters, but breaking that promise by not protecting me from the monsters I feared most… them. 

Parents who turned to dope when I needed them most but handed me to their parents who were trying to save them and raise me. A father who called me names with a mother who would do the same. Parents who told me I was fat and stupid and pushed me down when I tried to stand up to them. Parents who made their baby grow up too fast but don’t want to see the Woman I am because of who they forced me to be. 

Parents who taught me how to be a mother to my sister, a future wife, a friend to all who need me to be, a full time worrier, an understander of the many. Parents who taught me to love others because they never loved me. Parents who were too blind to see that they were unintentionally teaching their baby to be a better person than they will ever be. 

I am here and I have seen that the negativity that has been passed through my family tree it ends here, it ends with me. I am here because they could not defeat me no matter how hard they beat me.

 I AM HERE!

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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