I am Getting Better and You Will Too. Hold On.

Sat, 01/21/2017 - 00:31 -- khwolff

I would spend my time disassembling razors to shave my legs so that I could tear my skin open with a metal blade. I would sit on the bathroom floor until 2 in the morning mourning the loss of innocence from years ago. I would tell myself, "don't do it. be okay." but the damn words spilled into, "I can't keep going on living life this way." How are you supposed to console yourself when you can't even hear yourself think? It's like scraping nails against a chalkboard except it never ends. It keeps on screaming in your ears and pulling at your hair.Seeing yourself in a mirror and nitpicking every single flaw gets really old.  You know how it feels to snap out of a dream and you're breathing heavy and sweating and shaking?That's how it was when I realized I had to kiss my sorry self goodbye.I remember driving in your car through Minneapolis with the windows down and The Replacements blasting.I was smoking a cigarette and looking at your pale skin and friendly, defined face.It occurred to me that while I thoroughly love spending time with you and with these other distractions, that can't be all.None of this means a goddamn thing if I can't even take care of myself.  Maybe if I stop putting others before myself all the time, I'll understand how much I am worth.All these people have their sad stories and as much as I want to help, I can't put those problems before my own.Trying to please others all my life has taken it's toll on me and I was lost.Taking the blame upon myself every time something horrific and unavoidable happened to me shouldn't by my solution.  Maybe I'm still learning how to love my skin and muscle and bones and blood.Maybe I'll never unsee myself as an object for sexual satisfaction.Maybe beauty is nothing more than a societally-based concept.Maybe if I listened to my parents these bad things wouldn't have happened to me.  But as long as I don't let those things define my destiny, it'll be okay.  I'm still getting better.  It's taking a lot longer than I expected.  But I'm getting there.  You will too.  Hold on.  

This poem is about: 
Me
My community
Our world

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