I Am Courage

Courage. One word to describe who I am; courage.

Never let fear be a factor in your decision making. This statement is so much easier said than done. But reminding yourself of it constantly, will be the beginning of change. 

Growing up, I went through many phases. Of course I was always "me"... But I didn't know that being "me" was enough. I would change my appearance and chose music that all the cool kids were listening to. I did have my own taste in both of these things, but again, I didn't know that just being "me" was enough; enough to fit in, enough to be accepted. So it took a good 22 years or so to stumble into this beautiful, life altering question, "Who am I?" I realized that I would never find out for sure, unless I seriously addressed this question to myself. I grew up thinking that I would probably be married by 22 or 23 and have children by 25. That was the end of my thought process. I would be a stay at home mom. I didn't think about how or if I wanted more with my life... Until I took the time to search my own heart, and truly ask myself, "What do I want?" Going through this ambitious moment, I have learned that it is imperative to let go of comparing. It is easy to feel envious when seeing the pictures of beautiful families beginning, or to see the free spirits travel the world, or even simply the gorgeous photos of others. I never wished bad on them.. I simply wished I could be like them, have what they have. This always seemed to leave me feeling somewhat empty and dissatisfied with my own life. So as I took months/years/even to this day, to answer my ambitious question, I've begun to see things tie together; such as that, there is no right or wrong timing for anything. Just because someone else is accomplishing things, does not mean that I am less then they are for not reaching that point in my life yet. I've learned that pure joy... Is something we constantly try to achieve by filling our lives with more things. But pure joy can only come from within ones heart. Once I discovered this... The envying stopped.. The craving stopped. It started with self-acceptance. Once I decided to love my body, I stopped wishing to change it. Once I decided to honor my true feelings, I stopped trying to fit in to what society has labeled as cool and acceptable. 

Now that I have found love for who I am... the next great challenge came to pass; "What do I want?" Well... Maybe there is a way to mold the two... Who I am with what I want. Today, I am someone who loves and honors life and craves adventure. When beautiful things happen for other people, I am filled with joy for their blessings and success! I remind myself that my time will come, and that this very moment is one to cherish as well. I truly love to make others smile. I love giving 20 second hugs, and making every person I come in contact with feel valued. I see so many people at the grocery store check out without actually looking their cashier in the eye and saying hello. We are all on this earth together. It's amazing what we're capable of with even a little bit of support. So I always make sure to "see" each person I meet. I also love planting a seed in someone's mind that they can amount to any dream they have! 

So here's the catch... As I continue my path with this magical, positive outlook, I find that grey clouds have a way of creeping up and blocking out my sunshine. For some people, their grey could is depression. And there are many forms of grey clouds for us all. Sometimes it's self doubt, sometimes it sulking and pouting, sometimes it's anger/hate/jealousy... the list goes on. I still encounter my grey cloud from time to time. Then it happens... I remind myself constantly of all the recently discovered truths within my heart, " I can not let fear be a factor in my decisions, my time will come, this too shall pass, I am light, I am love, I am beautiful, I am present, I am a connected soul on this magical planet with everyone else who is just trying to find their way. The possibilities are endless with support, even if it's your own." If it were easy to pull yourself from under a grey cloud.. We wouldn't have the need for medication and therapy. So it takes practice and patience. I have faith that eventually, I will surpass where I want to be mentally. It takes courage to reach out to those who want to be there for you. Life takes courage. To be yourself in a world that tries endlessly to conform... takes courage. It is with great vulnerability that I open my heart and share these thoughts... and allow my true colors to show. I imagine my insides are the colors of a rainbow with sparkles. I am aware that not everyone will support and approve of who I am and my decisions. So again, with courage, I am finally saying... "This is who I am." I embrace my colors, which have allowed me to open my heart with love, respect, and gratitude for so many others. 

I am 25 years young. I have decided to go back to school. I quit collage when I was 18. I was failing math, I didn't care about school, and I honestly told myself that college just wasn't for me. I finally realized that my fear of failing and not being smart enough was what kept me from going back. So this too, I had to change. I stopped dancing for three years because I was "afraid" that it would remind me too much of a past love that ended tragically. I stopped running because I have been "afraid" of another asthma attach. So... It is with immense joy that I can now say, this year I ran my first 5k. This year, I auditioned for the college dance show and will be performing in December. This year, I have enrolled in classes and now am in my third semester of school working towards my associates. I am also receiving an A in the exact math class that I couldn’t seem to pass once upon a time. I manifest continuing to learn for the rest of my life. I manifest dancing and moving to the beautiful sounds of music, as it allows me to break free and coexist in what can only be described as a timeless moment, rushed with endorphins from being able to release all the words in my heart that I couldn't seem to say. This year, I have started my own business and work for myself. This year, I have decided to embrace who I am and who I will be, along with all the sparkly colors I poses. I do not know what the future holds, but I believe it will be great. This does not mean that I no longer have fear or grey clouds. It simply means that I refuse to let fear be a factor in my decisions. With courage, I embrace this present moment, along with the future that I choose to bravely create.

As Gandhi once said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

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