somehow it became 2 AM

I'm upset and my throat is telling me that

everything is wrong

everything is pointless

everything is useless

because I get in moods and the moods make me do bad things

I can't help the moods, so I let them tell me what to do

 

I'm far in the ground tonight

Someone or something put me in a grave and told me that this is the end

It's hopeless now, so what is the use?

BUT I DON'T WANT THAT

my mind wants that

 

how do you control your mind when your mind controls you?

 

It's dark, can you turn on a light for me?

It's cold, can you light a fire for me?

Of course not, I have to do that for myself

Where's the lightswitch, can you show me?

Where are the matches, can you give them to me?

Of course not, I have to do that for myself

Maybe it's easier to lie here, shivering on the floor

not being able to see my hands in front of my face

Maybe even if I tried, I would never be able to exterminate the darkness

Maybe even if I tried, I would never feel warmth in my bones again

Who knows?

All I know for sure is that it is much easier to stay put, and slowly waste away here, alone

 

I can't do this anymore, at least not right now

I need to release my feelings somehow and most of the ways I know are not good

I'm going to go do the not-good-things

 

Forgive me

I'm losing my mind but I'm fine

I am so very far from fine