Human

 

 

I was 3 years old the first time I was forced to put a dress on;
I assume my parents saw it as a sign because 
In my living room
There’s a picture of me crying that day in that dress.
When I was 5 I realized that girls seemed “prettier”
more than boys were “handsome”.
My best friend was the boy across the street
Who would run around with me pretending to save the world
Which was really his front lawn.
Whenever I watched Disney movies
I secretly pretended to be the prince.
I was young but smart enough to realize that 
Liking girls and being the prince wasn’t “normal”.
I began asking my mother to start shopping in the boys section for me.
I wanted the monster truck graphics and
Rock n’ roll shirts.
At the age of seven I had developed a crush
On a girl in my class named Alyssa.
I was too scared to tell her
But I told myself it was okay because
“Boys are the ones with cooties”.
In middle school I learned about the words “gay and lesbian and bisexual”.
When I was 13 I dated a boy who I thought I loved.

But I didn’t love him.
I was in love with the fact that
He made me feel safe.
I was in love with the fact that as long as I was with him,
No one would assume I liked the opposite gender.
When we broke up I cried for two days and moved on.
I came out to my mom as “bisexual”.
She then gave me a cookie and 
Simply said, “I know”.
When I turned 14 I got my first girlfriend.
We dated for 6 days and I cried for 3 and moved on.
I then came out to my mom as a straight up lesbian.
Months later I realized that I was not a lesbian.
After years of wondering why I hated dresses and everything girly 
After wondering why I hated my name
Wondering why my own name sounded like a vulgar word to me,
“Mom.. I’m a boy”.
I changed my name,
I forced my voice to be deeper
I found myself.
I fell in love with a girl.
A girl who likes boys and only boys.
She saw me as a boy despite what is or isn’t in my pants.
But this girl taught me to be afraid rather than brave.
When we would have arguments and I was the one trying
To save us and fix things and
I was the one shedding tears,
She would tell me,
“Be a man about it”
“Are you a boy or a girl, Eli?”
I wasn’t “man enough” for her
So I left her.
I am trying to be a man about everything I do!
I am trying to go into a man’s bathroom
Without the fear of being raped!
But when it comes to my emotions
I will not be a man nor will I be a woman!
I will be human about it!
I have a right to cry and be angry
About even the stupidest things!
As a person
I have a right not only to freedom of speech,
But freedom of expression!
Freedom of emotion!
As a human I will express myself
Whether I am gay, straight, bisexual
Boy or girl!
It doesn’t change the fact that I am allowed
to feel and be human!

 

*this is not written by me this simply written by my boyfriend, and i for one accept him as is*

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