How to be best friends with your Ex boyfriends mother.
1. Don't mention his name. Don't mention him at all because when you do, you will start to see his image in everything she does. You will notice his chin and nose on her girly figure. You will catch his mannerisms in her smile. You will hear his laughter echoing through her vocal chords. Strumming the way he does when you give in to his fart jokes.
2. Don't make her laugh because its clear where he got his humor from. When she shows you an old video he sent you, pretend it is the first time you have seen it so you don't have to explain why you didn't laugh. Try not to give yourself away with your silent tears. Don't try to get her to turn it off because her favorite part is coming up. And you know exactly which one is her favorite.
3. Don't bring her to the place where he left you. You might mistake her silhouette as his. Her baggy sweater as his strong arms. You might think he is coming back to you in all the ways you know he wont. Like when she walks up you will rewind the day he dumped you. Imagine him walking back to his car, driving home, uneat the dinner she cooked him, working out so hard he stops sweating on the yoga mat you once shared, rewind so far back he doesn't recognize your name anymore
4. Don't bring her to his favorite restaurant, because he always ordered what his mother suggested on the menu. You will see her put just as much salt as he does only tapping a bit in her palm. Sprinkling it over her steak until she dumps the rest of it on anyway. Followed by more salt. She will order unsweet tea even though she lives in Texas because that's the way she always liked it. The way she made it when he was growing up
5. Don't ask about the family because she knows that's your way of asking about him. Asking if he passed the class he was worried about, has he gotten in another car crash, seeing if he has any recent lovers. Don't ask about what college he is going to because everyone knows how much you hate astronomy and think it's a waste of time and money. And there is no point in going to his stupid school. You know he will make himself so busy he forgets to look at the stars he choose to study. You won't run into him in the hall so don't mortgage your future on a tuition debt fuelled by the friend-zone
6. Don't look through her Facebook. Don't look through her pictures because you will run into him again. Get caught in the web and go through all her albums until every time you close your eyes at night you see his face. His 4yr old face baking cookies for the first time. Then accidently like a photo from 5 years ago... And she will know immediately because she doesn't leave Facebook. She will know what you have done.
7. Don't ask her to go to the movies with you. She will drive to the movies using the same old back road no one knows about, she will butter her popcorn until it looks like cereal. She will choose the movie he can't stop talking about. You will be going on a date with him again. With his mothers body. You might accidently kiss her because theaters are dark, you have a crappy memory, she smells like him, and no one likes to be known as the girl who tried to kiss her x's mom who is older than your grandma. And it's too dangerous to move to Mexico
8. When she asks if you would like to come over for dinner, lie and say you have other plans. You don't want to see him sitting there looking at you like he did when he drove off that day. When he said it wasn't you it was him. You don't want to see his favorite couch, the clothes he leaves in the living room, his shoes neatly by the door, the only thing he keeps clean. His brother who he stole all his Facial expressions from and the same built figure they share.
9. When you go out and someone calls her your mom don't object. Just let them think that. Consider her your mother in law. The woman who birthed the boy who ran away with your heart. Just let it be. Don't try to explain to them that she is your lovers mom. They won't understand the bond you share.
10. When she shows you family pictures from the Christmas party you were supposed to attend, pretend not to notice the beauty queen he has under his arm. The body she obviously worked on just as much as he worked on his. Don't envy her. Don't think of the scenarios that could have happened if that was you. Don't think of the tree behind them as the one you had a picnic under last summer. Pretend not to notice their matching necklaces that are a lot cooler than the ones you got him. Don't imagine a ring on her left ring finger. When his mom offers you a copy of the picture, take it. Throw it away in the trash can he ran into on your second date. Don't Let her know you still love him.