Without my individuality, I have nothing to hold on to.
At all times, I feel I have to use creativity
and my own uniquity in order to succeed.
I need to ride the train cruising on the rails of my own normal
and be myself without being the main one judging who that is.
I really think this belief planted itself onto me when I was little.
I liked to do things no one else would
I wanted to be what no one else did.
I wanted to be a botanist, someone who studies plants.
No one else knew what that was and I thought that was exceptional.
being sensational parents
were elated that I didn’t want to be like “him and her”
but also a tad troubled.
It seemed they were afraid that one day
I’d want to change that part of me that wanted to differ from everyone else
to be the like them in the purest form.
So they emphasized individuality
like one would emphasize looking both ways before crossing the street,
or table manners.
When I got a bit older
middle school more or less
I began to be so self conscious
and filled with self loathing
that I tried to hide from myself and everyone else.
And turned to self-violence
It was better
in my my mind
to stay out of sight than be seen
because if someone saw me
I could be judged.
would see all the horrid little things
I saw in myself.
I tried to figure out everything “mainstream”
Though I liked some of these things
and experimented with others
the amount of them I hated
overwhelmed those I had become easily accustomed to
In the end
I stopped attempting to like those things
and even pretending to.
I was reminded for the upteenth time
that in order to achieve happiness I had to be true to myself.
This belief is influencing me in many ways
It has many times stopped me
from settling with just “blending in”
or from being someone I know in my heart I’m not
Though I no longer want to be a botanist
I think what I hope to go into
and/or fashion and design
will appreciate this
and lead me to accomplishment in those industries.
I am no longer tolerating
the kind of self hatred I felt at that period of time.
It wasn’t fair to the person I kept hidden away.
I can’t say I don’t care what people think,
because there’s always that small piece of me
yearning to be a people pleaser that guides me
every now and then. But that’s the thing.
It only guides
it doesn’t control.
I don’t let it affect me so much
that it changes who I am.
Because I vow to be true to that.