I think that I needed to tell you one last thing before I really get over all of this. I guess the biggest takeaway from all of this is goodbye aren't terrible, always... I think it signals more that life just got complicated. I don't want to believe, more I can't believe that you would want to hurt me. I know I loved you. The way you smiled at me, it didn't make me feel like the only person on earth, anyways that is too cheesy to say. It made me feel, like there was no world. Weightless, time nearing a stop. But smiles can only last so long I guess. I'm not mad that you fell in love with him, just why did you spend so much effort into making me fall in love with you first? I know it's not because you hate me, I guess I want an answer about me, being the individualistic person that I am. Maybe the answer lies in him, I mean he is my opposite. I have shaggy hair, no product ever, with it reaching my eyes, he has short spiky hair with enough product to grease up ten cars. I had no set plan for my future job, he has been planning to be a fighter pilot since he was nine. I found my purpose, and put my energy into helping others, he put the energy into himself, and helped himself. I don't hate him, and I am far from a saint, and I am not trying to demonize him either. My flaw of helping others, and less focus on myself is why I waited so long to do anything. I got tired of waiting, you did too I guess. I want this to just let you know the hell you put me through, I had fallen in love you since we knew each other since we were young kids, but I was scared of my feelings. When we finally went on that date, and you made a move on me. I couldn't sleep that night, I texted each friend in a frenzy of excitement. They were all so happy for me, they had kept the secret with me for so long! They were all so great. I love my friends, I needed to add that. Two days, that's what it took. Saturday, you acted like you loved me, Monday, you... you... you lied to spending even a few minutes with me to spend time with him. I hardly thought you guys ever talked. But you looked me dead in the eyes that Monday, you said, " Hey I forgot something in Pixler's let me go grab it." I tried to extend our time together, " Want me to wait for you?". You then said no, and said we would catch up later. I got stopped by another friend near the doorway, and there is no way you saw me. But as he came out of some science class, he saw you and smiled a dirty smile. Then walked up and grabbed your hand. I ran into the bathroom. I had been spending more time with you lately, so I really didn't know the schedules of my other friends. I sat there, alone for an entire hour. I felt sick. I decided there and then that I had to ask you absolutely. We walked to a meeting with a teacher, because we were partners in ASB leadership, I stopped and said those words. " Hey, I like you." I felt too awkward to say love, but it was definitely that. You gave me the sad smile of a weeping angel, and tried to grab my hand. " Kason I like you," for a split second I was in bliss, but the sentence continued, "but I really like Jamison." You looked at me, like I had just got hit by a car. Truthfully, I had been in a sense. Splattered all of the stairwell of the school. Definitely didn't get hit by a Prius, definitely was a Semi. Splattered on you, on my clothes, on the stairwell, that God forsaken stairwell. I held a straight face no emotion for 5 seconds. I owed you that much. I said, " Tell the teacher that Mrs. Martin needed me," and I walked away to your soft response of, " Okay." I walked away from you, from what I had wanted for so long. I walked away. I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that weak version of me. I actually did go to Mrs. Martin's if you were wondering. It was her off period of the day, she wasn't in but I am close enough with her that I knew she wouldn't question me if I was there when she got back. I laid down into the couch, smelling the formaldehyde from the cat dissections, since she did teach Anatomy and Physiology, and for a second, I wanted to be that damn cat splayed out, to see what was wrong on the inside! I weeped into the cushions, and didn't feel much of anything for a while. Till a soft hand touched my shoulder, " Kason are you okay?" Mrs. Martin asked. I wanted to say yes so bad, and I never regret not saying no. Although, I wish I would have just given her an answer. She cared so much. This is not the only thing that went into a forming a three month depression, but it was the thing that started it. It feels like you can't eat, you can't sleep, like you are a ghost, going through the motions of your past life to feel anything. I am done with the sadness now, it isn't that helpful I realized. I wanted to say, I still love you but I am gone. I wanted to say that I know who supports me in this world, and how much good there still is. For every broken heart, there's two swooning. For each death there is a baby giggling. For each goodbye, there is a new way to live. A new beginning. I love you. This is it, after I hit send. After I go to college, and you go elsewhere. After I don't remember your beautiful voice, I'll have some peace, and a great memory of how I grew stronger. How friends helped me. So next time you look at me with pity, like a lost traveller near death. Remember. I have survived worse. Remember, you beautiful girl. Goodbye's aren't terrible.
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