“They all could be perfect, but they will never be perfect for me because they aren’t you.”
Tangled in your trap, I was the fly in the spider’s web trying to get away.
Flipping and turning preparing my escape, I’d try to shake the thought of you.
Though the image of your smile sparkled brighter than a star in midnights sky, I’d try to avoid it, smashing the images with realistic thoughts: “We are not meant to be. We will never be.”
Yet your smile and comforting words played like a broken record in my head: “I love you.”
These words became my master and I was enslaved by its feeling, constantly beaten by each syllable that uttered from your mouth.
The more I tried to deny my love the stronger it became. My love for you was Hercules and I couldn’t fight it. “I don't fall in love,” I said as you unlocked the gates that imprisoned my frigid, fragile heart. You did this on purpose and I let you. Please understand that I will never forgive you - for making me melt the ice around my heart and placing the delicate thing in your hands. I was your puppet and you were the puppeteer. You manipulated my every move as I dangled from the strings attached to my heart. Why didn’t you help spare me the despair?
The loneliness of the atmosphere when you weren’t around consumed my soul. I craved your presence. I asked myself what is it about you that drew me in? Why can’t I unlove you? Why am I feeling this pain? Why can’t I stop caring? Was it our opposite frames leaning against each other while our hearts beat in tandem? You were the upbeat and I was the downbeat, our rhythms syncing perfectly to create a melodic song only you and I could play.
I’d delete the typed text message forcing myself not to care if you had a good day:
“Just checking on you. Hope you have a good day. Stay focused in school. -Blacky” -
Those words, my nightly rituals before I lay to rest. As the sun climbed over the hills,
I’d wake praising the Almighty Lord I got to see another day
And see you. Every second every minute every hour every day, I thought about you. You do not understand how much of my mind you consumed. You make me say things that I regretted later so please find it in your heart to forgive me though I can’t find it in mine to forgive you.
Why did I want to be the one who make sure your heart never hurts ?
I wanted to be there as you grow into a strong powerful man. I wanted to be there to help broaden your horizon. I wanted to be by your side as you tackle this thing called life. I wanted to be the vessel that carried your offspring. I wanted your last name, your heart, your soul, your mind. I wanted you, me, us.
So excuse me if I was clingy but just know my clinginess would never fail on you. I would never subjected our love to less menial things in life. Help me! Free me from this suffocating idea of loving you. “Your love for him is a drug, and you have an addiction,” They’d say yet I received no help in unloving you.
Forgive me when I don't come to your wedding because I’m happy you’ve found love but pissed you didn’t find it with me. Excuse my French, if when I see you, I call you everything under the sun but your name. Pardon my hands, if fruit punch goes flying at your face when you began to open your mouth to formulate words. I don’t want to talk. I don’t wish you well. I hope your marriage ends. I hope you never have kids. I hope life deals you all the wrong cards. So when you sit and read this poem, just know that at the end of the day, I still wish it was us.