heavy/light/gone
i’m so tired.
i just wanna close my eyes
and feel lighter,
instead of making myself
smaller, smaller, smaller
and grow more addicted to
the act of disappearance.
i just want to be enough,
i want to be worth loving,
i want to be worth the time of day.
but i never was, wasn’t i.
i shut down to keep the
pain away.
like a scarecrow, standing
“s t r o n g” was not a way of living.
once you lose more, and more
you lose yourself too.
you want to be lost.
so your hunger for fading away
increases. i’m starving.
what the hell good am i.
at my best, there is
always something
i do wrong.
feeling.
is wrong.
so i continued
to make myself
so small
that i won’t be
recognizable. so
i won’t be
the doormat that
you wipe your feet upon
before entry, and make
your departure known.
over and over.
there will always be
better than me.
let me sleep. please.
and when my eyes close,
maybe you’ll feel
lighter
too.