heartache heartbreak.

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my first heartbreak felt like a bomb went off. everything around me had shattered, everything I knew was blown to bits and I was the only thing left- a shell. the first week was hard, nearly impossible. I skipped classes, I stayed in bed, I didn’t speak much unless I was spoken to and even then it wasn’t much. I tried explaining to my roommate how it felt, the physical sensation of your heart being broken, but I know that it’s something you have to experience firsthand in order to understand. even while i’m typing this out, my chest is starting to hurt and I haven’t even said his name. I think the happy memories are the most painful. looking back and so desperately wanting to be that happy again while simultaneously knowing that not all of it was genuine. it hurts my head to think about it too much and my eyes are watering right now but there’s nothing I can do. nothing will ever go back to the way it was. everything is different and many of my memories from my first year of college are stained with your image. you filled my heart with so much joy and I really wish I could’ve done the same for you. every part of this hurts and I can’t get it out of my mind. you’re already over me and I think that’s what hurts the most. you were already over me before it was even over. I know I lied and I messed up and I hurt you and I'm so sorry and there’s nothing that I could ever do to fix that, but I never once lied when I told you that I loved you. and I thank god that I never have to see you again because if I did I would have a break down. remembering is too hard. i’m glad I deleted the pictures of us from my camera roll but I still have to go through snapchat. i’ve been avoiding it. it sounds insane but its almost like those are the last bits of us I have left. I can only bear to think about you in short bursts. It's too painful to talk about. reading that line back sounds ridiculous but it’s true. It's easier to distract myself and detach from everything. I don’t want to think about you anymore but I more than anything want you back in my life. I don't care if you tell me i’m going to move on; the point is I don't want to. you didn't tell me this wasn't working for you. you just kept telling me that you loved me too and you wanted to spend the summer together and go on a hike and watch my performance and keep making memories. I can’t remember the last time we kissed. I honestly don’t know when that was. that hurts a lot too, knowing that neither one of us knew that our last kiss had happened already. I feel dizzyingly empty without you in my life. I loved you more than you could handle. 

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