Heart broken
Broken
That’s what they call it
As if it were a bone
Or a toy to be played with
Disposable
As if my heart weren’t a muscle
But I don’t feel broken
I feel whole
Fully and completely lost
There is not a single part of me
That does not yearn for your touch
That does not feel this longing
This emotion that is too big
Too painfully empty
Too endlessly dark and lamented
To be explained in a poem
Those who say the opposite of love is hate
Have never experienced a feeling quite like this.
Because I know
I know that I will always love you
No matter how much it hurts
But I’m not broken
Maybe shattered?
But even then, the pieces are held together
Perhaps out of pure denial
They say it’s better to have loved and lost
Then never to have loved at all
But they never knew loss could feel this utterly indescribable
This isn’t death
This is worse than death
This is the finality of a last breath
With the searing pain of losing yourself
of learning you weren’t good enough
And that you never could be
I wrote you poems that I never read to you
I learned songs that I would’ve sang to you
And all my friend’s said I was too good for you
But I still don’t believe it
And if I could write down all my love for you I’d delete it
Like a poem I never got quite right
This love feels like a poison
A psychedelic drug
Changing my perception of myself
And my friends
And the world
As if you ever gave a damn about it
Or me
And I wish I could be angry
Or jealous
Or vengeful
Or anything at all
But the truth is I’m not
I’m just trying to breathe again
Trying to do the things I used to
And not cry
And not think about you
Or talk about you
And the plans we made that you never intended to keep
And love is a bitter taste in my mouth
A faint reminder of a fruit not yet ripe
And I thought if I looked hard enough I could find it faster
Accelerate the process
But I failed to pass go
Love wasn’t in the car, or the forest, or the hotel rooms.
Love wasn’t hiding in my coat pocket
or behind the couch where you left your wine
Love was a thief in the doorway
Taking anything it could get away with
No mercy or empathy or regret
Love
Is a mystery to me
And I’ve come to believe it was to you too
A ghostly whisper you shrugged away
A tidal wave disguised as a ripple
But it’s crazy to me
It’s crazy
How I could spend every single day
Every single hour thinking about you
And all the things I’ve missed
Wondering if you even notice I’m gone
Because you’re not broken either
You just don’t feel like this