Gone Now.

I get a call around midnight delivering the news. My father has died, I can’t be told how until I am 18. My world feels broken now, and I don’t know how I am supposed to deal with it. I don’t sleep that night. My eyes are so puffy from the crying. By dawn, tears run dry and I sit there… empty. From then on... I have a specific dream every night for a long while.


I walk out on the the balcony of my dad’s house. I walk further to the edge and I see a familiar silhouette with a dog beside him. My eyes adjust, and I start to see the features, it is my dad! My broken heart suddenly feels like it sewed itself together again in one instant. I run down the stairs to get to him, not daring to remove my eyes from him in fear I will blink and he will be gone. I run and run and crash into him. We hugged, and I cried. I say, “ They played a horrible trick on me why would they do that why would they do that?” He continues to hold me tight in his arms. Everything feels so okay and everything I once felt broken was mended. In this moment… it is him and I and no one else existing.


As I hold him and he holds me, the world around us starts to slowly fade. The vibrant colors of the trees and the whole scene, is disintegrating. Still in his arms, it starts to feel different. It gets chilly, I don’t feel protected and safe anymore. I refuse to open my eyes in case what was once there...is gone now. He starts to fall into pieces on the floor. He is shattered and I am there with my arms wrapped around the thick air that once was replaced by my father. I put my arms down, open my eyes… and there is nothing. I am alone, everything is gone now. I’m numb. I stand there, emotionless, hands by my side. I have nothing. My knees slowly give in. Down I fall and stare at the blank white thing that once was my world.     


Suddenly, I open my eyes and I am in my bed freezing cold. I get up, it’s so silent and still. I see my sister, and ask if our dad is alive or not. She looks at me confused, I know what she was thinking now. She must be out of her mind or maybe she won’t accept what has happened. Just by her face I don’t need to know the answer anymore. I walk back to my room, and get in my covers. I close my eyes begging God to let me go back to that nightmare just to be held by him one more time.


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