In this moment there is rest.
Not physical sleep,
But peace.
I lay knowing:
Fear,
Death,
Pain,
Uncertainty,
Struggles,
Loneliness,
Hurt,
And the unknown,
Lie both behind and in front of me.
Knowing this moment of sheer contentment,
Will soon pass into sleepless nights,
Awoken daydreams,
And sad songs,
But here,
In this moment,
This moment that has not passed yet.
That in this moment,
This moment is still here,
And my love,
I am happy.
I am empty,
I am filled.
Funny how one can be both heavy and light,
Fear and bravery,
Hurricane and harbor,
Strong and vulnerable.
But I am,
We are,
And we shall continue to be these.
I fear what comes next.
I am happy,
And I cannot help but believe things must change during change.
I pray somethings to keep,
And other to dissipate.
I lay hoping they haven't been sent incorrectly in the stream of it all.
I love you.
Before anything in this moment changes,
Before this moment,
Is no longer this moment,
Know that I love you.
Whoever is exposed to this,
I wanted you to be,
Because I love you.
Know it is true.
And know that whatever changes among the change,
That I will always love you,
And I will remember you,
Into the blurs of forever.
I also feel so alone at times,
But at the same time,
I have never felt so loved by so many.
I thank you for that.
All of you.
In this moment,
I believe in so many things,
And have lost faith in half of what I used to know.
Like,
BMWs,
And springtime,
And the back of his neck.
I have learned springtime is as beautiful as it is said to be,
And that I should just feel it;
Roll with the pollen punches.
And I have learned his neck will be replaced with another,
And perchance the next one will stay for awhile.
And I've learned that he wasn't the muse I am constantly writing;
He has become just another he on a list of few.
Though,
He will always be the one I flash to when triggers are pulled.
He will always be the first;
Good or bad.
And I've learned that people are people,
And my lord how I love them.
And people are people,
And my lord how at times I lose all faith in them.
But my word, how beautiful we are.
And I've seen so many things change in light and darkness.
Her left ring finger,
His hair,
The love in her heart,
The birth of life,
The way she speaks.
I have seen changes in myself too:
My face,
My heart,
My soul,
The way I see,
The way I try to forget,
In letting him go,
In letting them love me,
In accepting the same,
And giving it back.
I have changed.
I,
I am happy.
My friend,
I am happy.
In this moment there is rest.
Soon to be sleep,
But not yet.
The colors flash and fade,
The noise has dissipated,
Breath breathes soft on my skin,
The warmth grows deep in my heart.
In this moment,
Soon to pass into the fear the coming,
I am happy with this life.
With the love I am accepting,
No matter what I deserve.
Knowing whom I love,
And knowing these are the ones I will always give it to,
For the rest of my days,
And into the blurs of forever.