The Fear of Love

My French teacher once told us that we cannot love another, until we loved ourselves

I scoffed, because if she only knew how much I have loved

(A tsunami)

Without loving myself

(A drought)

I transferred all my energy to him

Newton’s Third Law of Motion

Energy cannot be created nor destroyed simply transferred

I have lived long enough to know that love is not enough

And yet I still had the courage to love you

I wrote you letters

Me a starving artist

But I fed you, juicy peaches, sweet strawberries, honey and sugar, sustenance that could have kept me alive if only I learned how to eat

My heartbeat pounding within my emaciated body hard enough that it rocked me to sleep

Love was just a shout into the darkness

I know that I am never worthy, but there’s always the spark of hope

But the day you told me you loved me unconditionally, but not romantically was the day my fears were confirmed

You did not love me

Because I was not enough

There may be a factor in self love that brings beauty, that I appear to lack

And although there are nights that I resent of giving you a part of myself, that I so desperately needed

I have conquered the fear of not being enough for love

I have looked myself in the eye and have seen every flaw you’ve seen, every dip, every curve

Every crevice where lingering melancholy likes to reside

I have accepted that that is me

Self love is a journey within a labyrinthine that I am still navigating, and although the unknown scares me

Not ever feeling like I’ll ever be enough scares me more


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