So I have quite the funny story:
I was walking down the street, right,
and this lady hollered
“[pig noises] Ay yo Big Bertha,
You should probably go on a diet and lay off the big macs.”
How dare she tell me to lay off my big macs,
I live at McDonalds!
Personalized with own my pig pen
to roll in the mud.
Another time, I went to the mall to shop for a cute new dress
And the store clerk tells me
“You may not find anything that fits your extensive size”
Then she pointed to the store across the mall called “Avenue”
And said “Try there! They have a wider selection for ladies like you!”
Of course because I love shopping at places
That creates clothes for big girls
as if we were a different species
as if we love looking like super-sized pre-teens
Oops! A reference to fast-food, excuse my fatness
I guess I’ll wear nothing but my birthday suit
and she can kiss this extensive ass
One day I was just chillin’ like a villain at Chipotle
And this man comes up to me and says
“Have you ever seen a gym before? You should try exercising.”
The fat surrounding my eyes blinds me from all gyms and healthy foods
What other reason do I have for being this big?
I was walking on the street minding my own business
When a group of girls yell “EARTHQUAKE!”
Certainly, I am my own tectonic plate
And apparently makes the ground beneath your feet shake
I bet I can also move mountains, how great is that?
“I bet you’d love a Twinkie right now, Tubs”
Well duh! When Twinkie’s went out of business, I was on the verge of committing suicide
Before they came back to business, I was an overdose and cut away from dying. I cannot live without my Twinkies.
“OH MY GOD Are you Pregnant!”
YES! Pregnant with about 150 pounds of fat!
“I can’t hear over the sound of your thunder thighs.”
That’s great because I did not want to speak to you anyways
I guess that’s how I became so socially awkward
A woman once told me that “You will never make a man happy being that big.”
I’M A STONG, INDEPENDENT, BLACK WOMAN and I don’t. need. a. man.
I was driving down the street and cut this man off
He then drove next to me and sang “Biggy, Biggy, Biggy, can’t you see?”
Sorry I can’t see you over the Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger I’m shoving down my throat.
“I wouldn’t date you, even if you and I were the last people on earth.”
That’s great because I’d rather eat you.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
Cheese pizza, pepperoni pizza, PIZZA, pasta, shrimp fried rice, cookies, cake, chips, cookies and cream ice cream, a Carmel Frappuccino.
Last, but definitely not least, a group of silly boys tells me
“You’re so fat you have your own gravitational pull”
I guess that’s what brought you to me, isn’t it.
And “You’re so fat you bleed chocolate milk”
Ouuu, I guess I’ll always have a late night snack
Wait this is the best one: “You’re so fat when you walked into an all-you-can-eat buffet, they had to install speed bumps.”
But what you don’t know is
Fat girl starves herself in attempt to fit the societal standards
Fat girl works out 5 times a week
Fat girl is recovering from anorexia
Fat girl only eats foods high in nutrition
If I want to be fat, who are you to judge?
You can tell me how terrible it is to be fat
Hammer your words into my ears
Burn images of Beyoncé or Barbie into my eyes
Flood my brain with your expectations of the perfect body
Slice my self-esteem in half with the sharpest knife
But you will never bring me down
I am fat
And I accept myself
So should you
Love your body